Should I tell him?

Question

I'll try to keep it as short as I can. A year ago before I got married to my husband I told him my story of when I was molested at my friends birthday party, he was of course (as any boyfriend/husband would be) very very upset. He asked me if there was any other incidents that occurred besides that one, I lied and said no, in fear that he may try and find out who they were and do something. but there has been several other occasions all of which were at sleep overs with family and also a time when my cousin had blatantly asked if I would have sex with him. I felt bad for not telling him the truth back then and still do. We've recently visited my mother and she found a piece of my writing that I wrote about another incident (not the one I told my husband about) and brang it up in front of my husband and I. He kept saying that he already knew, thinking it was the one I had mentioned to him, but little did he know it was not. I've had anxiety for as long as the first molestation ever happened (6-10) and certain key words can throw my anxiety into gear and I start to think of things, like when he mentioned hanging out with his cousins and afterwards sleeping over at their house. I don't want to start anything, but I also don't want to keep feeling guilty that I lied to him, he's not just a stranger, he's my husband. This may seem like the obvious but I don't know what to do. Should I tell him or just keep it to myself?

Answer

Honey I'm so so sorry you've had to go through such horrors!!! 
I think you should tell him. Sit him down and explain that you need to have a serious talk with him and explain why you haven't told him before. Tell him everything you want to tell him. This is one of the VERY few instances in which I think it's understandable to lie, so I really do think he will understand. He might be upset that you lied but all in all I think he will be comforting to you about it.

Answer

Coming from the same situation (molested from age 5-10) I strongly suggest being honest in ever way possible as it's the only way to be truly free mentally from the stresses you have about it. Tell your husband, finding counseling for yourself alone and do more if he wants to join you in couples therapy , and talk to him about any hang ups or advances in your therapy . It took a lot of emotional baggage searching with my now husband when we were engaged to really find healing , and while it still hurts, it helps to know my husband knows all about my past and how it shaped me, and how to avoid triggers and help with healing . And it's improved my life so much that many of the triggers I once had don't bother me in the same way they used to. I used to worry that my husband would hunt down these dicks and kill them (he's an officer & has a huge sense of justice) but his initial anger turned into sadness for my past , which turned into the most amazing support I could have hoped for ! Let your husband be that for you while also seeking professional help so that you can grow and refocus best you can. As hard as it seems and is . Prayers ! 💕

Answer

I strongly suggest finding a therapist who can then bring your husband into it and help you get through telling him. I went through an awful lot of shit as a kid and as a teenager and because my husband and I got married so young and so quickly, a lot of it didn't come up until years later. And then i had to figure out how to either tell him the more sordid details of my past or lie to him. I told him that I hadn't told him everything to begin with and I wanted to, but I needed some help with it because it was very difficult for me to drag up and talk about. So I found a good therapist and slowly but surely we pieced everything together. She was there when I told him, which helped me hold it together to tell him and helped him be able to handle it. And in the end it made it much easier for us to work through it all together and made it possible for him to understand why I am the way I am about some things.

Answer

I'm sorry that happened to you. Be honest with him.

Answer

Someone once said "the problem is the solution," Meaning, your last two statements (not the end question)of the dilemma are EXACTLY what you should tell him. 
The truth will set you free.

If you feel you will fumble words or get nervous around talking, WRITE it out in a draft, in your own handwriting first, then do whats most comfortable :a clean note for him to read in your presence, or you can read it to him, or speak from memory. 
Writing it out will help bring clarify,  confidence, and invite his compassion.

Think about what you want from him as a result of you disclosing  both the lie and the trauma.   Example: understanding, forgiveness (for the lie only), physical protection, emotional protection or comfort, trust, love, bring u closer,...whatever you want. 
Include what it is that you want from him. It Will help you both in different ways.

You can change your poison into medicine-
 Love light and healing to you honey!

Answer

Tell him :) 
You'll feel much better, and he'll understand that you couldn't tell him the first time.

Answer

Tell him my love

Answer

It's a part of your story; he should know about it.

Answer

Definitely tell him. I would also seek some trauma treatment.

Answer

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. You don't owe anyone your story, even husband. It's totally up to you how/if/when you feel safe enough to share with him. I'd consider talking to a therapist to help you navigate this.

Should I tell him?

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