I knew something was off the moment I had my twins. I had a singleton first, and each experience was different. Including the emotions. I figured, it's twins, I will take longer to snap back and get out of this funk. The twins are now a year old. I don't feel any better. I'm angry most of the time. I'm sad. I feel alone, even though I have an amazing husband who helps with everything. I still feel like I'm doing it all myself. I'm not. I know I'm not doing it myself, but I can't help but feel that way. I get so angry. And it's hurting our marriage bad. We fight. I don't want intimacy at all. No sex drive whatsoever. I tried to get myself into the mood by buying stuff for the both of us. Nothing. I don't even want to look at it. Trying to force us to go on date nights more often instead of one every couple of months. I'm trying to fix what I'm breaking. It's all my fault. I'm going t be the reason we give up on each other. I fear this every day. No matter what I do, I end up shutting myself in, and get angry. Which, I end up taking it out on him.

I love my children. With everything I have. But, I don't want to deal with them. I just want to lay in bed. In silence. To not be needed 24/7. I want to be alone. I don't want to do anything. After my daughter, I was happy, cleaning, loved spending every waking moment with her. After having the twins? I want to lock myself in the room. Just to be able to cry by myself. Why cry? I feel overwhelmed. I feel.... so many emotions going on. I can't think straight many days. I just cry. I yell at myself. I want to run away. I feel like a failure. Breastfeeding them when they were a couple months old, I didn't want to do it at all. I hated it so much. It was stressful. Painful. I felt jealousy towards everyone. I did give up. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to have someone else feed them. Wasn't so I could get sleep. I just wanted to be left alone.

I hate this so much. I hate feeling these. I feel like the worst mother to ever walk the earth. The worst wife. The worst daughter. The worst sister. The worst woman. I have a doctor's appointment in a week. I have been so scared to talk to the doctor, to anyone about this. I'm afraid I will lose my children. That my husband will leave me and take the kids. That I will be judged for being a horrible mother. I finally did tell my husband. But I made the mistake of breaking down and crying at his best friends wedding and I asked his best friend how the hell do I tell my husband. He knew before my husband. Which tears me apart more. I love my husband. He's the one. I'm afraid of losing him. I did tell him. I broke down. I cried. I feared that he would judge even though I knew he wouldnt. No judgement. Just support. Love. I don't want to lose my family. I dont. I can't. I won't survive without them. Even though I don't want to be near them, I still need them. I was told I had a higher risk of developing PPD because of twins. I had it my mind, that I won't become a part of that statistic. I have been fighting this. Unfortunately, I have to admit now that I believe I may be suffering from this. I can't try to hide the emotions. I can't hide them till they go away on their own. They won't . I'm sorry for this being so long. It is a mess. I'm sorry if it's hard to understand. Please don't think I'm diagnosing myself. I'm not. I am speaking to the doctor in a week. Which they will be able to help me more with giving me answers. Could I be suffering, or am I just that horrible?