Loss/Lost

I would have been 7.5 months on July 4th... instead im grieving.

I lost my son in May due to an x-linked genetic disorder (which is fatal for males). He was my first baby and I miss him Every. Single. Day.

After the first month I've managed to cope but with every milestone is a reminder that he isn't here. Everyone, everywhere is pregnant. I miss my belly, my morning sickness and cravings for anything apple. I miss talking and singing to my baby. I went from extreme happiness to the worst heartache in 1 day.

I really want to try again but Im terrified...giving birth and not bringing your baby home is something no mother should experience. I just feel so confused and lost. ttc naturally would be a literal genetic lottery. If i get pregnant again and its a boy then I will have to terminate if he does have the disorder and i dont think i could make that decision. My only other options are IUI or IVF to prevent the same outcome or ensure that i have a girl. I cant imagine my life without a child. My mom doesn't think i should try again knowing the risks but I feel like we have to try one more time naturally before pursuing alternate options.

Sorry im rambling... feeling overwhelmed with thoughts lately :(