Tired of being tubby

I have always been chunky but called fat. In HS and some college, I took topamax for my seizures so I was pretty skinny. I became vegan my second semester in college and I was SKINNY. I went off topamax because it makes you feel like you're in space 24/7. My new med is Lamotrigine. I went from 150 to 170...okay. Then I started a weight training class a semester ago. I gained muscle..but I feel HELLA fat. I'm at 190. Never weighed 190 before. My papa passed in January and some is stress weight along with my new med. Of course.. I am extremely impatient so I decided to start taking Garcinia Cambogia. Pretty sure that helped my weight gain. Don't take that. Now I am trying to get back to vegan because IN TWO WEEKS, I lost 14 lbs.....miracle. I just need support in my life but my friends and family suck when it comes to that. It is sad at how obsessed I am with wanting to be skinny. But, all of those comments about my weight. From elementary to even this day.. I hate it. Im 19 why am i so caught up on this?! I deserve to be comfortable and happy with myself... But idkk. I believe I will enjoy my life if I was smaller. I'm miserable and hate taking pictures or being around skinny peeps cuz it makes me feel crappy.But yeah.. Just a little venting.