Forgive and forget or no?

Question

I am SO upset. I just found out that 1-2 years ago, my now husband told his best friend, mom, and grandma that I was raped a few years back. Now, That was the most important thing in my life, considering it was my so called brother who did it. I was completely devestated. I told him as my spouse because I trusted him. He called his grandma today and she was like "She's controlling you because she was raped and you need to leave her." He didn't stand up for me. I don't control him, he does things and everyone blames me for it. At the wedding, he didn't want his friends there because they are assholes and dont support us. She says thats controlling. Anyways, I know it was a long time ago but this. I started crying and yelled "why would you tell someone that" and he started yelling at me slaming doors, saying it just "slipped out" and he was sorry. But little did he care that that's my life and I trusted him. I am so furious and upset i dont know what to do..

Answer

That's terrible. It's so awful how people judge rape victims. It definitely is a traumatizing experience and leaves life long repercussions but it's not your fault. I could understand him maybe confiding in someone. I would probably do the same, because it's a big deal and it's hard to digest... But not like the whole fam! I'd probably never get over that.

Answer

First of all, I'm very sorry you had to experience that.

Secondly, I'd still be upset. Regardless of when it happened, it happened. If I found out my husband cheated on me 1-2 years ago, of course I'd still be upset. While your husband didn't cheat, he told his family a very personal, private matter that wasn't his experience to tell. No one, absolutely no one, has the right to tell personal things like that. They definitely don't have the right to attempt to use that experience as an excuse to make you sound one way or another and he should have defended you.

My husband and I have had issues with my personal experiences being told to his mom (who spread it around later) as well. I get called controlling, bossy, and numerous other rude names by them now, because we had a heated argument over him telling her personal things about me that he knew I didn't want him to tell. We've had numerous talks about it. It's nothing something I let go. I've forgiven him for it, but he now understands that what he was doing was hurtful to me, it imprinted a different type of picture of who I am as a person to his family, and therefore it's causing judgment towards me, which in turn can cause conflict. We still talk about this issue on occasion, because it is hurtful to have that happen to you.

I don't expect you to forgive and forget. Forgive, of course, everyone is capable of making a mistake. They are very easy to make, to be honest. However, you both need to have an in depth conversation once things cool down, so hopefully he can understand why that hurt and upset you. He needs to be your teammate, he needs to defend you, he needs to know what he did was unacceptable.

Answer

Oh babygirl I'm so sorry that is awful.

Answer

First, you are a courageous woman. You survived and have gotten to a point of putting it away.  That takes balls no man has.

Second, you need to have a tête-à-tête with the nay sayers. You seem to have the after effects under control, you seem to live a normal life, and you have to smooth this relationship by making it real for them. I was emotionally abused and then nearly killed by my ex, so making people understand how I let things get that far has been a challenge for me as well.

Third, instead of asking why he did it, you should have said, "Honey, I know they put pressure on you, and I know it is trying, but most people think the worst of victims of crimes of that nature. I want you to know it hurts me deeply, but I still love you. Will you work with me to make them see I'm as normal as they are?" If his answer is no, then you both need to see counselors to make him understand you and you to understand why he wouldn't. If he says yes, then follow through.

Best of luck!

Forgive and forget or no?

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