The ultrasound ran long as the baby was camera shy and really made our tech work extra hard to get all the images. Little did I realize at the time some of the images would send me on an emotional roller coaster for the following 4 weeks. Upon review of the images my doctor became concerned the baby was not growing proportionally and its head size was concerning. Cue the land of limbo of questions and answers as I was told my baby could have developmental issues, genetic complications, or be perfectly healthy and the measurements were incorrect. I was referred to a perinatologist and told the medical staff will reevaluate my baby's health at my 24 week appointment. I was instructed to return home and resume life as usual. However the degree of uncertainty opened a pandra box for me filled with a plethora of anxiety. 

So the past 4 weeks I struggled to cope with the ambiguity. Out of denial I put all baby related items on hold or I completely disregarded them. We took home the gender results in an envelope and instead of anxiously planning our gender reveal party I decided I'd rather ignore the reality I am pregnant and knowing the gender would force me to accept the possibility our baby may not live. So I dismissed all baby talk and would carry out my days as if I was not pregnant. 

Thankfully I have been blessed with a loving husband and two beautiful daughters who loved me and allowed me to find my way this month. Knowing these three would be devastated by negative confirmation about our baby's health I did what moms do - I took the blame and burden of the unknown. I shielded them from my heart ache and put their needs first. I like to believe I behaved as usual however looking back I recall three distinct nights I allowed my thoughts to enter the dark side. Those nights I wept inconsolably. I was deeply depressed and heart broken. 

Yesterday I went in to meet the specialist and hopefully learn more information. To say I was on edge was an understatement. The 2nd ultrasound began and much to my delight baby agreed to better positioning and allowed the tech to take all necessary images and measurements. I was told things like - your cervix is perfect, the placenta looks healthy, the baby legs are so long etc. The anticipation of discovering the head size was  intense. 

Finally the perinatologist concluded his review and asked if we had any questions. The one thing I wanted to know more than anything in the world still was not answered. My heart was beating so fast I thought it was going shoot out of my chest. Stepping in to help my husband calmly and clearly asked about the head. 

The doctor stated our baby is growing beautifully and he is not concerned about the baby's small head size. The baby weighs 1.4 lbs and is growing as it should be. He did state nothing is absolute and he is very willing to continue to monitor my baby's growth till delivery. 

So as much as I wanted a perfect bill of health (which I understand isn't realistic) I am very happy with the news. No one can change the course set for me and my baby. However I was blessed today to be paired with an amazing dr with extraordinary bedside manners. I was given hope and excitement vs confusion and despair. 

With each future ultrasound and finally delivery I will embrace just how many people love and are rooting for my baby. I still have another 16 weeks until D date. Things could still come up but I know I am seeing an amazing medical staff that is will to take extraordinary measures to ensure the health and safety of me and my baby til December. 

And for that fact alone my heart is overflowing with love.