Not really the normal topic for this group, but I need someone to talk to.

For all my life I've been told that gay isn't okay, that one day I'll grow up and meet a nice man and get married and have children. And I accepted that up until I was about 10, that was the first time I though about kissing a girl. I was disgusted by myself. Horrified that I would even think such I thing. It happened a few times after, but it eventually stopped, so I assumed that it was just a phase, and I was just confused. As I grew I ditched my parents beliefs and I was super accepting. I made it my business for about a year to research everything there is to know about the LGBTQ+ community. I have become one of the people to fight for their rights, on here and in real life. But a while back I felt these things again, I had a full blown crush on a girl. And I hated it. I hated her. I hated me. Because, as much as I am fine and in complete support of other LGBTQ+ people, I am not fine with me being one. Of course I started the "it's just a phase" and "you're confused girl, you'll get over it", repeating everything I heard as a child back at myself. I cried. Every night I cried because I hated who I was. And I'm back to being straight, right? Yet now all I think is what if I'm repressing the part of me that does like girls? What if because I hate myself so much I have actually managed to lock away a part of who I am? But then of course I go back to "this is all just for attention". I feel like as much as I have broken free from my parents, their words have chained me down. I just wish I could love me. All of me. 

I hope you guys don't judge me to harshly, this is the first time putting into words how I feel. 

EDIT: 

Thank you guys so much for your responses, I didn't expect many and I didn't expect any good ones. I will try to love myself, it'll be a long journey but I know I'll be happier on the other side of it. Much love ❤️