This is just going to be a big life rant about how sad and alone i feel. Guess i just need a bit of uplifting. Before i start im not saying have depression because ive never been to the doctor or been diagnosed. But i guess you could say i feel that way plus my boyfriend and his mum are the only people who know everything about this sort of thing ive been through. About a month ago i quit my job. I loved my job but it was making me really unhappy and sad to the point where i would rather kill myself then have to get up and go. Probably sounds a little dramatic but its the truth. When i first started my job i was just coming out of a relapse which i really struggled with. I had constant panic and anxiety attacks while i was working which only started last year. Since quitting my job i have come to realise some things. The first main one is that i have allot more time with my thoughts. And second i never see my 'friends' or get included in anything now that im available 24/7 even if i try making plans myself. And that makes me feel shitty. Sitting at home looking on facebook or snapchat seeing all my 'friends' out having fun with eachother and the only thing that runs through my head is did i even cross their mind. Did they think about inviting me at all. Are they aware i still exist. Like i should be happy that their out having a good time. But it really makes me feel more alone. I live about 40mins away from all my friends. They all have their license (except me) i just hate the fact that i sit on a train for an hour then catch a 20 min bus to go see them but they cant drive 40 mins to come see me. I think its a bit unfair. And that makes me think that i probably dont mean shit all to them. I try to go out and meet new people and make new friends. But its always just the wrong crowd and i stand there all quiet and awkard the rest of the night. Im the weird girl and the freak because i dont do drugs and dont like going out getting drunk every weekend. Its made me consider taking drugs. Maybe thatll get people to like me. Maybe im doing the wrong thing. I started drinking more. Then stopped. Right now ive deleted my Facebook to isolate myself for a bit. Not sure if thats a good thing or not but its not like anyone will be looking for me any time soon. No one would even notice, i just want to be alone now. I dont even care. Ive been having the biggest craving to cut again and its really hard to resist. I cant even explain the feeling when i think about it. Its just i want it so bad i cant control myself and i feel like im going crazy. I cant sleep at night. I have this constant fear that the only way i can describe is like my mind is a shadow figure thats watching me sleep. I guess almost like a ghost but its my mind just waiting for the right time to put me in the lowest of all lows again. Im terrified to relapse again. The last one was the worst one of all. I told myself no matter how unhappy i was and even if i did think about it that i would never kill myself. But my last relapse was the closest i came to it almost like the feeling of cutting and i was determined to do it. But my boyfriend talked me out of it thankfully. Im scared for it to happen again it was the lowest i had ever been and the most scared and alone i had ever felt. Im glad ive had my boyfriend stick by me through everything for almost 3 years now. No matter all the things i have done to myself, think or said. Hes always been there by my side to support me. He talks me out of suicide, cutting, drugs, abusing alchohol so much. I honestly don't think id be here today if it wasnt for him. I know somewhere in the back of my mind ill be okay but im mid breakdown atm. Honestly i dont even know the point of this post anymore i cant think and i feel nothing right now... if anyone wants to have a bit of a rant aswell. Or have an opinion (preferably a nice one) feel free to share. Im all ears.
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