frustration

I ve hit a brick wall with my husband these days ! After the baby things have gotten so much worse than before ! It's true when they say that baby doesn't fix anth ! He was an as*hole who didn't care to understand me he still is now ..... it is beyond frustrating now though! I am 4 months into my motherhood and I am very much in love with my daughter but sometimes I have those depressing days when I just don't know why I did all this ! I decided to stay at home with my little one and it's been tough, she is very needy in terms of sleep help, always need to rock her or to nurse her, so day after day I spend putting her to sleep and running up the stairs to give the boob once she wakes up ! My husband used to laugh at me saying that's all I do and it shouldn't be like that , that she should cry a bit , why am I spoiling her . He blames me for her sleep issues since the day we came from the hospital saying that I spoiled her and that she got used to me , well I was the one sleeping 40mins- 1 hrs at a time with her sleeping on me , waking up everytime she startled  herself or made noise. First weeks were hell, then the colics began and I almost went nuts, up from 2 am to 8 am for 4 weeks!! He slept through her crying just fine. Now we hit some sort of a development  leap so the past few days were extra hard , today I couldn't get her to sleep from 12 pm and well it's 1 am now and I m still trying .... When I try explaining to my husband my day and why I m a bit fruststed he tells me to shut up and stop being so negative !that it doesn't help anyone ! Well although I know that the baby feeds of my feelings I cannot help feeling like crap sometimes and well instead of understanding I got yelling . Again, he loves to yell and he loves to tell when he is holding the baby, it makes so scared that she starts crying hysterically , a few times that it happened it hurts me physically to what her cry like that . I asked him plz stop yelling I never raise my voice because of the baby but he just doesn't care ! How difficult it is just to say things but without raising ur voice ! It blows my mind . Anyways today's scene was just that .... when I was trying to get baby to sleep after he yelled at me I was crying a bit he came grabbed the baby forcefully and told me that I m a fucking mess that I m upsetting the baby that I m crying cuz I feel like a victim and that the world hates and that I cannot even handle to take care of 1 baby ! Yeh! All that was said...... I am beyond hurt I think I went just numb ..... that is the father of my child who thinks nothing of me or my efforts which he has no clue about ....sorry for a suuuuper long post ....just really really needed to vent