please help

I've Been with my man for 2 years now and it's been the best and worst time of my life. He's lied and betrayed me and I've had previous relationships where I was abused by my partner which has affected me. I recently made the mistake of going out to the towns drinking and ended up having a one night stand im having so much guilt and regret every second but he's hurt me so much I suppose I wanted him to hurt