Love & Sex
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I am an almost twenty one year old woman, who is attending a prestigious college as a third year.I was raped two months ago.
I knew the guy and had been talking to him for almost a year before it happened. He doesn't attend my college or know anyone I know.
We hung out a lot after meeting on Tinder and actually clicking right away.
We found sex and hanging out to be calming and relaxing.
When the actual event happened was after a weekend of hanging out together at my place. He was pushy and asked for me to give him a blow job, which I submissively said I would do because I said no to sex. I felt I owed him because I didn't want to have sex.
I realize now after the fact, that I didn't owe him or had to give him it.
He then turned me over onto my stomach and pulled down my pants and underwear.
I asked what he was doing and he didn't answer.
He started to put himself into me and I said no, please stop, I don't want to, what are you doing, I don't want to.
He didn't listen and continued until he came on my back.
I begged and cried the whole time shaking and not knowing what to do.
I trusted him and was falling in love with him and he did this to me.
He threw a towel onto me and grabbed his stuff and left.
I laid in bed shaking and crying for over an hour.
I then took two showers and washed all my clothes and sheets. I felt like I had to make my space clean and mine again. Cleaning helps me process any emotions I am having from the little to the small.
I didn't know if what happened was actually rape, so I called the rape hotline. Turns out they weren't helpful and ended up hanging up on me after telling me I was raped.
I ended up texting him to ask him about something he touched in my bathroom I share with three other girls I live with, out of embarrassment they would be annoyed. All I could think about was how they would feel. Never did I realize I was texting my rapist to ask about a medicine cabinet, right after he sexually assaulted me. Who does that? What kind of self protocol could there be to talk to your rapist? I then blocked his number. I became so used to texting him for comfort, I disturbingly wanted to go to him to talk about what happened. About him raping me.
I felt like I was not going to be taken serious by anyone. I have had trouble going to public safety on my college campus before, so felt so uncomfortable asking for help in this. They said since he isn't a college student, they couldn't do much. I would have to make a police statement, which would enhance my anxiety.
I have major bipolar depression and anxiety which was before the rape. Now I have those and PTSD.
My roommate doesn't talk to me anymore and no one knows how to handle me. Tiptoeing around my emotions without knowing where I am at in my head.
My grandma wanted me to talk right away, but I couldn't.
I have to sleep in the same bed every night that he also slept in, and raped me in.
I have met with a sexual assault counselor on my campus, but she switched jobs and I felt like explaining it to a new counselor wouldn't do anything but hurt me more talking about it. Talking to friends and family about it seems embarrassing and uncomfortable-just like the rape.
I decided not to go through the agony of pressing charges, so he gets to go free and live a wonderful life not filled with regret and pain. He gets to sleep peacefully at night without a single nightmare of being held down and ignored. He gets to be free.
I am posting this in the hopes of advice. Hopefully you read this whole thing and can help.
How soon is it okay to feel happy again? To not feel stupid for smiling and want to date again? How crazy is it to still want to meet guys, even if they scare me now more than ever. How soon is it to want to be free of constant flashbacks, memories, and feelings of hopelessness.
Even throughout this semester of a large courseload, and being raped, I am still going to be making Dean's List. I took the best advice I possibly could from my counselor, which was to take what happened and turn it into working harder on my studies. I won't let this ruin me. I won't let this effect future relationships. I won't let him be in my head for the rest of my life. I won't have nightmares every night for much longer. I won't start crying every time when someone says rape or someone touches me. I won't feel lost and alone for my whole life.