33w3 day birth story (traumatic birth)

My birth was a bit traumatic for me but I hope maybe sharing will help me sort through my feelings. Here's the birth I hoped for. I wanted an all natural birth at the hospital I chose (30 miles from home), with the doctors I'd seen. I was SO set on my no pain med delivery and my husband didn't think I could do it. I wanted to prove him wrong so badly!  On January 14th we went in for a non stress test and turned in a 24 hour urine catch because my son measured a week behind and at my previous appointment my blood pressure was a bit high. My 24 hour urine catch showed I definitely had preeclampsia. So they decided to schedule non stress tests 2x a week and ultrasounds to check for amniotic fluid levels weekly. I went back in on the 17th and had my fluid level checked and my NST and everything came back okay. I worked a full day Wednesday, January 18th, cooked dinner for my husband and stepson and started getting ready for bed since my husband was already in bed. I laid down with my husband but was having some cramps. I told my husband I thought I was having contractions and he told me that if I were having contractions I wouldn't be able to talk. So I convinced myself maybe dinner just wasn't sitting well and I went to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet and felt a slight pop in my vagina and thought, great am I peeing or did my water break and how will I tell?!  So I stood up, wiped and looked down to see HUGE blood clots. I turned around and the toilet wasn't filled with urine, but blood. The volume of fluid I thought was urine was actually blood. At first I thought maybe these blood clots are actually my mucus plug. So I told my husband and called the hospital 30 miles away to ask. They questioned on the color of the fluid and the amount and I explained it was bright red and I sat on the toilet thinking I was peeing and the toilet was filled with blood. They told me, do not come to our facility. Go to the nearest hospital. I woke my husband up and we started putting shoes on. My feet had been swollen so the only shoes I could wear were big fluffy ugg boots. I sat on our couch and bent to put them on and again felt a huge gush of tissue and blood. I stood up, ran to the bathroom and and pulled my pants down to wipe and make sure my baby wasn't just falling out. My poor husband walked in the bathroom to see me, white as a sheet with both my hands covered in blood and huge chunks of tissue. At this point he starts saying we should call an ambulance. I threw the clots into our toilet wiped my hands best I could and grabbed huge amounts of toilet paper and shoved it all in my pants. He put my other boot on and we were on our way. It was 9:30pm and we lived in a small town, 5 blocks from the hospital. Our roads are covered in snow. Now that I'm in the car I have a chance to think about everything that just happened and I realized my son wasn't moving. I started screaming and crying "I killed our baby."  There are no words to describe the agony I was feeling in these moments. With every minute that passed I could feel more clots coming out. We, of course, got stuck behind someone driving very slow to the same location as us. I reached over to the steering wheel and pressed firmly on the horn thinking they have to realize this is an emergency and get out of our way, they didn't. We got to the hospital in about 5 minutes and I lakes to the front counter. The lady at the desk told me to walk myself to the third floor (don't even get me started on this). I get to the third floor and it's empty. I turn the corner and a nurse is at the end of the hallway and she's saying "Mallory come on down."  She knew who I was and already knew what was happening because my hospital called ahead. She was alone as the small facility didn't need a huge staff. There wasn't even a doctor available but he'd already been called. She had me lie on a bed and take my pants off. I will never forget the look on my husband's face as he saw the amount of blood and clots in my pants and covering my body. The nurse stayed calm and pulled out a monitor to see if my son was still alive. She placed it on my stomach and said "there is your baby."  We sat on pins and needles watching the monitor for his heartbeat waiting for the doctor to arrive. My dad arrived, my aunt arrived...still no doctor. Contractions had begun at this point and with every contraction more blood clots came. About 950pm the doctor arrived. He took one look at me and said, "were getting the baby out now". He tried to explain to me everything he was doing (I'm sure he's legally required to) but I couldn't listen. Every word he said was taking more time leading up to knowing my son was safely out. I was keeping every thing together until they started wheeling me down the hallway and I had to kiss my husband goodbye...I lost it. I knew I'd lost a lot of blood and all I could think is this may be the last time we see each other. The nurse (who coincidentally he went to college with) said to me she would stay with me the entire time and she did. She sat by my head and comforted me the entire time until I was under (she even came to visit me a couple days later). My 10:30pm my son was out. He weighed 3lbs 15oz and was resting almost entirely on his own. I must have asked 10 times at least as I was coming out of anesthesia if he was okay. He was life flighted to another hospital 2 hours away to go to a NICU where he has been thriving. He has shocked all of his doctors. He's now getting ready for discharge at 35w gestational age. He looks just like his daddy and is absolutely beautiful. He has brought my husband and I so much closer together despite me being here alone to care for him after my husband had to return to work. The surgeon said I lost an impressive amount of blood due to the placental abruption. The next day googling placental abruption I saw a statistic-12%of the time the babies don't make it....we are so lucky to be one of the babies that made it. My husband and I have had a rough last 4 years having lost  both our moms to cancer and it's forced me to struggle with my faith. I look at my son and despite losing my mom I think there has to be some sort of higher being looking over us. I can't imagine my life without him.