Super long and complainy

I don't know where to start.... My entire life, on a regular basis, I fall into depressions and want to die so badly. I've come super close to attempting suicide but thought it would be selfish and decided to sleep on it. Even though it's what I want, to be free of this continuous suffering, I couldn't hurt my loved ones that way. I feel like I'm living just to stay alive and hold placards. When I was young I always wanted to be free to travel, enjoy life, and make friends worldwide when I grew up. Now that I am grown I do none of that. I have a son who is probably the only person who can make me really smile for a second. He is my best and only friend. I've been raising him alone for two years now as his dad went off and enjoyed "being young" although he's older than me. We are technically together again although it doesn't feel like it to me. I don't think I can get rid of the resentment I feel towards him. In my mind I'm supposed to be in college, pursuing big dreams, exploring new places with new ideas, riding horses and being mostly happy. Instead, I am working a minimum wage job at a daycare where I end up making $5 an hour after the cost of having my son there with me, am so bitter and unhappy I repel even myself, live in a city I hate, have literally 0 friends, and haven't even seen a horse in almost 5 years. I see no way to change it and just needed to document the cold hard truth. If you read this far, thank you and I hope you never have to feel like this in your lifetime.