Going back to old ways😞

Last month I triggered myself to going back into my eating habits. I was diagnosed with anorexia 3 years ago now. When I found out I was pregnant last February, I immediately started to eat for my baby. I knew I had to do it for him. But at the same time, I hated the thought of getting bigger and fat but I did it anyways for him. I weighed 106 lbs at my first prenatal appointment and when I had him I weighed 155 lbs! Now, I look and see myself, all these stretch marks and this baby weight and I can't stand to look at myself. So I'm going back to old habits and I can't help myself. I haven't told my SO and I feel so depressed I'm not eating. He just looks at me at dinner and gets pissed when I don't eat. When I make dinner before he gets home from work, I always make what I WANT to eat. He always made me do that whenever I was pregnant so I would eat. Even he used to go to the grocery store at 5 in the morning to get me my cravings so I could eat. He wanted to make sure my overall health and ours sons was in great demand, and he did. But now whenever I finish making dinner and I'm looking at it, I feel disgusted. I try to eat but I just want to throw up. It gives me a headache so I eat just a small piece of bread and I'll feel full. I just hate that I feel this way again when I was doing so good! I feel like a failure to not only to my SO, but to my son... Sorry I just wanted to rant because I can't tell my SO. He'd be devastated and hurt because I haven't told him.