I've been diagnosed with BPD since I was 18. Starting at the age of 13, I was in and out of therapy, outpatient programs, inpatient programs, etc. everyone just said it was severe depression and anxiety. At 15, I was sexually assaulted after sneaking out of my house to hangout with 3 older men I knew through mutual friends. I spiraled downhill after that, I'm now 22 and feel like I'm just not in control of myself anymore. I was on medication and going to my therapist regularly after I was diagnosed with BPD for about a full year, I was finally feeling better, it helped knowing I wasn't just crazy and there was a reasoning for the way I was. But I had thought I was doing so good, I stopped going to my therapist, stopped taking all of my meds cold turkey (which I had done multiple times in the past despite knowing I would take a turn for the worst) and now I'm at the lowest I've ever been before. I've been acting on my ridiculous impulses, turning to self-destructive behavior. But I'm so scared to get help, I have a 1 year old son and I'm still living with my mom, she knows I'm not doing well and she helps me a lot with everything, I appreciate her so much. My son is the only thing that keeps me going everyday, but I don't want him to remember me like this, I don't want him to see me so sick. I feel like a horrid mother, but I still can't bring myself to get help, I don't know why but I have this irrational fear that my son will be taken from me because of my BPD. I've never done anything to my son or ever acted out of line around him, he is my world but for some reason I keep telling myself something bad will happen if I seek help and I can't stop these thoughts. Please I do not want any judgement, I'm just wondering if any other women here struggle with BPD and are willing to maybe give me insight on how they cope. I cannot live like this anymore, I do not want to be alive if this is how I'm always going to feel.