PPD? FTM Struggling emotionally


Please don't judge me or leave insensitive comments. I am ashamed of how I feel and hope to find encouragement that I'm not alone and that it will get better.

My beautiful baby boy is 5 weeks now and for the first few weeks I felt so attached to him and over the moon in love. Gradually over the last few weeks I have progressively been feeling less and less attached. It's so bad that sometimes I feel like I don't want him and don't want to be a mom. I'm crying literally daily & almost all day because I feel guilty that I don't feel in love with him anymore and I'm afraid my sweet boy is going to grow up feeling unloved and unwanted. This hits a particularly soft spot for me because I never felt loved or wanted by my mom and I was so afraid I was going to be like her so I never wanted kids. But when I married my sweet husband my heart changed, and last year we decided we were going to stop trying NOT to get pregnant but not necessarily actively try. Less than a month later I was pregnant which was sooner than I expected, and now I feel like wth was I thinking? I didn't know what I was getting myself into.

He's not a particularly fussy baby but I feel like he requires non stop 24 hour attention and I hate feeling like this is my life now, I miss the freedom and rest we had before. I would never hurt him and don't have thoughts of hurting him but when he doesn't sleep well at night or is crying and I can't figure out why is when I get frustrated and lose patience. I do have moments where I feel the love again but only a few times a day. I am super sleep deprived (like I seriously don't know how it's humanly possible to function on such little sleep) and I feel very insecure as a FTM and also super discouraged because I wasn't able to breastfeed like I wanted to and I feel like all these things contribute to how I'm feeling

I'm pretty sure this is PPD and I'm going to talk to my OB about it at my 6 week check next week but I just want support in the meantime.