13 Reasons Why - episode 9

I'm posting anonymously for good reason, and I don't care if eventually it gets deleted. I just wanted to share. I just watched episode 9 of 13 Reasons Why, and so far all of the episodes have hurt me but this episode hit home. I've been there. I've been that girl, the girl who voluntarily gets too drunk and in turn unvoluntarily gives something up. I've never told anyone the real story. I've made up a bunch of different versions to tell my mother, my boyfriend, my friends, so I want to post here the real story. Im going to change everyone's name, including mine. I will go by Kayla. I'm posting this for myself, so I'm asking that any negative comments that would only deepen what I'm feeling now be kept to yourself. Or screenshot it and send it to your friends to laugh at me, I don't care, just don't say it to me, please. 

"I get so disgusted thinking about your huge ass nipples."

"The only thing bigger than your stomach is your fucking nose."

"Candice looks so much better than you naked. She's skinny, her ass isn't flat, and she has a beautiful face."

Just a few of the awful things he would say to me. I don't even know what I did to deserve those words, he was so sweet and in love with me just a week before. But of course it made meeven more devastated. The girl who I thought was my friend at the time, (we will call her Jennifer), suggest that what I needed to forget and feeel better was a party. I was a 19 year old girl, of course I thought that would help. I agreed to go with her and her friend to a party that was being hosted that Saturday - day seven of being single. I don't know why I did what I did, I guess I felt being honest with Jae would make him stop torturing me and turn him back into the man he was before. I told him I was invited and probably going to the party, of course all that did was further the whore insults. That was on a Thursday I told him, and Friday the insults were the same. Saturday came and I truly didn't want to go anymore. I wanted to continue sulking in my room, hating myself and my life but Jennifer showed up, dressed me up, and I went. 

We show up to the party, and the music is blasting, people are already making drunken fools of themselves. We walk up the steps and the first person we see is (as we will call him) Tony. I should've turned around right then, and if I knew what was going to happen I would have. Tony was messed up already. I'm almost certain it wasn't just alcohol he was taking, but who knows. First thing, him and his friends offer me a drink. I accept and start to loosen up a little, playing beer pong, chat with people whose names I knew but didn't know anything about them. A few hours after and the party is full swing, and that's when I start getting uncomfortable. I was just standing there, I was already more drunk than I had been in awhile so I had ended up to the side by myself. This guy who barely knew me, and had actually talked about how much he hated me in high school, yelled "OKAY OKAY BUT KAYLA HAS THE BEST TITTIES HERE." What the hell? I was so embarrassed. The glances from all the females were like knives, all of them looked at me like it was my fault he said it, like I would actually enjoy that kind of attention. And the guys, I felt so violated, I felt disgusting, the way they were obviously trying to get a glance at my chest at this point. I tried to casually walk outside where the stoners were, but I'm sure it was pretty obvious I was trying to escape the embarrassment I just went through. A good high, that's what I needed. I got more than that though. Tony was there, and offered me more drinks. He was being so nice, apologized for what had happened inside. He made me feel better. It was most likely just the drinks he kept feeding me though, because before I knew it I was so drunk I dancing with Tony in the middle of the yard. I don't dance, especially in crowds as small at that was. Maybe 10 other people dancing. We kissed. I thought it was romantic at the time, the way he grabbed my face after telling me how beautiful I was. I felt so amazing. I felt beautiful, despite what Jae said, because someone who looked like Tony was kissing me. I asked him if he wanted to go get more drinks, and he said yes. He offered, like a gentleman to go get mine, so I stayed on the porch with Jennifer who I had finally seen again. She was with Tony's group of friends. We all stood around for about 30 minutes, and it's like my drunk really kicked in out of no where. One minute I was standing, laughing, talking to my friends, the next I'm barely able to stand. I'm leaning against Jennifer because if I wasn't I probably would've fallen on the porch and not gotten up. I was in an out of it by then, I remember bits and pieces of their drunken conversations. What stands out the most is Tony pulling me to him, allowing me to use him as support. Again, I thought he was such a gentleman. What happens next is when everything goes black for me. It's like I saw it happening. I was outside of my body, watching, and couldn't do anything. Jennifer is drunk and says "Hey Tony, I'm out of cigarettes, I'll trade you Kayla for a few cigs." Some friend. And some gentlemen Tony is. He agrees. I kind of remember him asking me to go upstairs with him, but I couldn't. I couldn't even stand on my own, how could I walk up stairs? So, he walks me to the stairs, helps me up the first few, then I stumble and fall forward on them, and he pulls me up them. I black in and out. I remembered being pulled up the steps, the next thing I remember after that is my shirt and pants being off. I'm out. Then I remember seeing the guy who yelled about my tits sitting in the corner, while Tony is kissing my chest. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I was too drunk to do anything. I'm out. I come to again and the guy is gone, but Tony is trying to put me on top of him. I couldn't do anything though, my body was limp, I could not move myself, so I rolled onto the floor. Im out. I wake up again the last time to Tony and Jennifer are putting my clothes on me. I didn't even realize what had happened. I felt so dirty. I felt like the whore Jae said I was. I couldn't tell him what happened, he wouldn't believe me or even care. I'm not sure if I was raped, or if I had agreed to this while I was blacked out, but I knew that it wasn't right and so I wanted to keep it a secret. Impossible. I had scratched Tony's back during the sex. Idk if it was from pleasure or from me being scared, because I don't remember, but I saw the picture of it. Everyone did. Tony's mother even seen it and asked me about it. Jae seen it. I was the big slut, for something I didn't even remember. The guy who screamed over my chest, took a picture during, and sent it to his friends, God knows who else seen it. No one knew that I was hurting over this, no one knew that every time they laughed over the picture or asked me "how good he was" that it was killing me. I've suffered with this on my own, for years. What was a funny joke to them, is something I'll never forget..