I cheated

I cheated on my boyfriend whom I love more than anything and I feel like a disgusting human being.

I've been dealing with severe depression and, if I'm being honest, suicidal thoughts since this past Dec. and the guilt I've been having has been the gratuitous icing on this cake of "Just Kill Me Now".

I have a therapist but I feel like she's judging me and I end up not talking about whats really bothering me.

I was never a romantic person. I hated seeing couples kiss and be couple-y in public or in front of me, I was real asshole about the idea of romance and loving only one person for the rest of your life until I was late in my 20th year.

My current boyfriend changed all of that for me, whether I like to admit or not. We both deal with our depressions and anxieties but its never toxic for the other; we always helped eachother forget everything. At least, he helps me forget.

He kisses me and everything fades away. I dont care who's looking, I don't care if I become one of those girls who hangs all over their boyfriend (I don't really do that but once in a while I catch myself and I dont stop), every kiss with him is my first kiss all over again.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing his sweet, dumb, lazy-eyed face in front of me smile and laugh.

And I slept with another guy.

I dont know why. The sex wasnt even great or earth shattering. It felt empty and hollow, like running errands or doing a favor. This guy was my good friend and he revealed he had deep feelings for me and I was honest, I told him I only cared for him as a friend. Maybe I let him start undressing me because he always helped me financially when I needed it or because I loved the smart conversations I used to have with him and I was afraid of losing that friendship. I dont know why I let it happen and get so far.

When I finally got the word "stop" out of my mouth, he did and I cried for what felt like forever. We talked about it and he was understanding or at least he was at the time. I really can't tell if he's being manipulative or if he's just an idiot who is blindingly optimistic about this becoming a thing but he won't let go.

And lets be honest, I won't let go either because these two are my only friends. Theyre the only ones who talk to me and check in on me. I don't want to keep bugging my boyfriend with my depressive crap and be clingy enough to make him tired of me and leave. But I need him more than ever.

The guilt from this guy and the guilt I have for what Ive done to my boyfriend behind his back have been unbearable. Guilt, the hopelessness I have in my career and my life, the literal pain in my body that I know is from stress, being broke all the time, my messed childhood, my narcissistic family and still living with them, I can't do this.

This past Easter Sunday, I was ready to try suicide for a 3rd time. I didn't do it because I'm afraid of dying, ironically.

I hate admitting that I need help but please...