Don't judge..

I'm just wondering if anyone else has felt this way while pregnant... 
the only thing keeping me from killing my self right now is my baby..... 
what is happiness even? 
Do I even deserve happiness? 
No one makes me feel like I do that's for sure....
I'm just a bad person... I get abused because it's what I deserve. I ask for it... I can't drop things.... my mouth keeps going.... I'm not loved. I don't deserve to be loved. People are just mean to me because I'm mean...  somethings wrong with me.... I can't forget my past.... 
just the thoughts that run through my head.... everything said just sticks and repeats.... it's all my fault..... but then again I know it's not but the way i get told it is makes me believe that it is and I'm just so confused and hurt I don't know what to do where to turn or how to feel... I'm just scared... I'm just so hurt 😭😭😭 
This probably doesn't even make sense... Inprobably sounds mentally unstable or something but I promise I'm just broken... that's all... 
just broken and alone...