I wanted this child. I tracked ovulation, I prayed like my life depended on it. I was so excited when I got my first faint positive. I held my breath when I got my early ultrasound, until they told me it had a heartbeat. I'm 7 weeks pregnant, and 5 days. And I'm not sure I want the baby. I domt mean that I'm going to abort it. It doesn't mean I don't love it. I do. I track it'd growth and I am so careful to not harm my little one. But I don't know if I want it anymore. Let me back track.

My first pregnancy was planned, and ended in miscarriage. I was devastated. I wanted that angel baby girl like it was the only thing keeping me on this earth. And when it happened, it took so long to heal from it. This baby was also planned. But the month I got pregnant, I found out that my fiancé, whom I love deeply, had fallen back into gambling, for months without me knowing. He's struggling. He's addicted like I've never seen other than my mother, who was so addicted to drugs that by the time she sought help, she had overdosed on heroin three times. He thinks about it all the time. He sneaks into his bank account and takes money. He tried to sneak an old phone to work today so he could use his hotspot and watch it. 3 days ago, I found out that over 300 dollars was removed from his account, and he lied to me and said he didn't do it. He lies a lot. He is NOT a bad person. I want to make that clear. He is so amazing to me, he treats me so good. He just lies and sneaks on to poker. He's an addict, not evil. He's a very loving person.

3 days ago, I was highly shocked when I was finally told the truth, that he took the money for gambling. I knew he was addicted, I know it isn't cured easy. But we have been working very hard on the lying. It was hard to swallow.

3 days ago, he went to the bathroom and he was in there a really truly long time. I asked him why. He wouldn't tell me. It turns out he had resorted to an old habit from his teenager years. He cut, but instead of normal self harm, he carved the words liar and addict into his legs. My heart broke. He stopped me from cutting as a teenager. He helped me through it. It killed me to see him do this.

I tried to go for a walk. But I ended up asking him to come with me because I was scared. (It was dark and my town is bad.) we stopped for a while and he told me he was going somewhere. He said there was a note for me at home. He gave me a hug. I knew something was wrong, and I wouldn't let him leave. I found out he was planning on going to the train tracks. His note at home was an apology and a goodbye.

He's so crushed by this addiction, it's tearing into us and I'd never leave him, he's my whole world. But it'd so hard seeing him struggle and being almost powerless to it. He gave me his bank account. I've changed all his gambling accounts. Again. I've changed his emails. His phone has parental controls. And it's still so hard. He's broken, and I'm broken. I can't trust him, and he can't trust himself. He wants help and he wants to stop but it's so hard for him.

I don't know if I want this baby. What life will it have if I can't work through my depression and my fiancé's struggles? What if I can't support it alone, by some cruel joke that we don't make it after so much has happened already? What if, if I can't help him, what if I can't help my child grow up right? What if I'm screwing it up already? What if the timing was wrong? What if I'm not ready, what if our relationship wasn't ready what if everything I ever dreamed of having just was some giant joke? I'm scared for my fiancé. I'm scared for myself. I'm scared for my little one. I don't know what I expect from this post. I just know that I don't know.

*can anyone tell me how to respond below, but anonymously? My fiancé is** signing up for counseling with me. He wants to get better. We're doing all we can!*

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