Wanting to heal

There are not too many posts in this thread and I understand why because of how I feel when trying to post.  I don't really know if it is shame or fear. I really don't want to be noticed and put myself out there and get hurt.  Being 30 now and molested as a child and teenager and then raped first year in college you would think time would lessen the pain.  I have a need to be in control of things to feel safe.  I had a list of goals that kept me extremely busy to the point of burning myself out and getting sick.  Now that I have a degree, a car, a house, successful career and got married I reached most initial goals.  Goals stress my husband.  He likes to "live day by day."  I let myself let go of many goals and reduced them...I / we kept failing.  He is also emotionally abusive and gets annoyed with my sexual issues.  I ask him not to immediately grope me when he sees me, but he continues after 3 years of telling him it is a trigger.  I lost my coping mechanism of keeping focused with reaching goals and using techniques I learned in therapy.  My health is terrible, I recently quit my dream job because physically and emotional I couldn't do it any more.  I am trying to fix my relationship and be healthy to hopefully have kids.  I need to go back to work soon as well since my husband can't support us.  I can't seem to focus on my goals anymore.  I lost myself.  Older relatives tell me it is a part of life and it is common to be abused.  They know it is not right as it happened to them but it should not be a part of life.  It destroys many lives!  I did get by before...I don't want to just get by; I want to heal and have healthy relationships!!

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