Wanting to heal
There are not too many posts in this thread and I understand why because of how I feel when trying to post. I don't really know if it is shame or fear. I really don't want to be noticed and put myself out there and get hurt. Being 30 now and molested as a child and teenager and then raped first year in college you would think time would lessen the pain. I have a need to be in control of things to feel safe. I had a list of goals that kept me extremely busy to the point of burning myself out and getting sick. Now that I have a degree, a car, a house, successful career and got married I reached most initial goals. Goals stress my husband. He likes to "live day by day." I let myself let go of many goals and reduced them...I / we kept failing. He is also emotionally abusive and gets annoyed with my sexual issues. I ask him not to immediately grope me when he sees me, but he continues after 3 years of telling him it is a trigger. I lost my coping mechanism of keeping focused with reaching goals and using techniques I learned in therapy. My health is terrible, I recently quit my dream job because physically and emotional I couldn't do it any more. I am trying to fix my relationship and be healthy to hopefully have kids. I need to go back to work soon as well since my husband can't support us. I can't seem to focus on my goals anymore. I lost myself. Older relatives tell me it is a part of life and it is common to be abused. They know it is not right as it happened to them but it should not be a part of life. It destroys many lives! I did get by before...I don't want to just get by; I want to heal and have healthy relationships!!