Self Love (My Story So Far/ Very Long)
Loving yourself is more than just about loving your body and your looks.
Recently, I've been feeling about down about who I am as a person in general because I was talking to someone I barely know who I felt was judging me. I didn't care so much about what they thought but that they had reminded me that I was starting to fall back into a state of agreeing and caring what they thought.
I needed to remind myself of who I am and what has made me who I am, and I wanted to share with you all.
I've gone through so much in my life for only being 16 so my definition of doing good for myself is way different then other peoples definitions for themselves and it's hard to accept that. I strive to do better for myself every day and there are days that I let myself down and days I have to move on and accept that and it's hard.
I struggle with severe depression and ptsd as well as anxiety, trust, OCD, neglect, and I used to struggle with both bulimia and anorexia. I have attempted suicide, and still battle with self-harm issues.
I have PTSD because as a child from ages 8-15 I was constantly in a sexually abusive environment at home. (2 different cases, 2 different people). Shortly after I turned 16 I was raped by someone who I had considered a friend while at a party and ended up pregnant. I had an abortion at 16 and couldn't and would never tell my mom who would be mad just because I was in another situation like that, and would never report the instance with my attacker in fear of the same reason.
I struggle at home with my mom who is emotionally and mentally abusive. I've watched her go from relationship to relationship and marriage to marriage throughout my childhood and because of this I've never lived in the same house for more than an average of two and a half years. This also has meant that none of my siblings and I share the same father, and most of us don't know our fathers.
I live with her and my little brother who is my world and I do everything I can to protect and help him. My dad unfortunately lives halfway across the country and signed away his rights as a parent to me when I was around the age of 5. And even after all of this there's still so much more I haven't mentioned.
I'm going to be a lawyer or a teacher when I grow up but I don't know which one (probably a teacher).
I keep my grades on track for the most part (I had a really rough year though and ended with a 3.2 overall GPA which sucked). I have planned how I'm going to raise my GPA and get the credits I need to graduate high school.
I volunteer and spend time with my family and help take care of my little brother (he's honestly my world).
I'm an outdoor school student leader, I'm artistic, I write, I'm an active feminist, I tutor kids with learning disabilities and kids who just need the extra help, etc. Including my older brother, older sister, and little brother who have all been blessed with dyslexia. (I say blessed because it's rough but it's beautiful and part of what makes them who they are)
I focus on maintaining a healthy lifestyle with my physical and mental health. Loving my body, staying fit, eating healthy, taking care of myself emotionally. I decided to start seeing a therapist after my second case of sexual abuse in my home had been reported and have been working both with my therapist and myself on staying stable.
Obviously I'm not the most perfect person on the planet.
I'm 16 and have had sex with more people then I care to admit, I've been black out drunk, I've smoked weed, and have tried some other drugs. I've let myself fall into some places I'd rather not revisit, places I was in for all of the wrong reasons.
I've gone through a lot and have so much more I'm going to go through in the future.
I'm pretty happy with where I am and who I am right now. Sometimes I seem and feel like a mess but I'm also a teenager and that's normal.
I like to think I'm pretty put together for myself but I also recognize that I'm only 16 and still finding myself, and making mistakes, and having fun.
The truth is I'm still a teenager so I'm still a kid and I'm really in no rush to grow up but I also realize it's coming fast and I'm focused on being successful when that happens but also focused on being successful with myself right now.
Accepting myself, and being comfortable with who I am and striving to grow myself as a person.
I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I've been changing a lot and that I've gone through a lot and that even though sometimes it seems like I haven't moved on as far as I would like or would have expected and even though I have so far to go, I've also come such a long way for myself and I am making progress towards a better me almost every day even when I have my setbacks and even though I could be doing better. I think I'm doing the best I can with what I can do and the resources I have and I'm moving forward. I'm contempt with who I am but who I am is changing and that's okay.
I don't actually know why I felt the need to post this and I'll probably take it down but I really just wanted to rant and get some things off of my chest.
All in all, I don't think that comparatively, my story and my struggles aren't that bad. However, having experienced trauma and knowing people who have experienced different and similar things I can honestly say that it's different for everyone. Rape, sexual abuse, bullying, or anything. And you can't compare or rank anyone's experience with it. Whether they are okay, or not. You can not devalue anyone's experience based on your own or others.
That's something I fight with everyday when my friends are telling me about their problems that I don't understand, and while I'm still processing and dealing with what I've gone through myself!
I'm trying to stay positive and self loving and also be accepting and loving of everyone else around me. It's hard sometimes and sometimes I fail but I feel amazing and better than I ever have been before because I've learned to accept/love myself and others.