I don't even know , just venting

So it's mainly about my parents and my boyfriend .

I'm 17 and my parents got divorced when I was 5 , basically my mom cheated and took us three kids away and wouldn't let us see our dad . I was a big daddy's girl so obviously I went into a deep depression and had horrible anxiety . You would ask anyone and they always said I was a sad kid . By time I was 7/8 my mom had remarried , not to the guy she cheated on my dad with though , and us kids really hated this guy , my mom only thought about her self and not us . I was struggling with school , I was on so much medication for my depression and anxiety , my mom and I were always fighting , and by fighting I mean she would yell at me or beat on me , and only me . My brother got a free pass cause he would go over to our grandparents ( moms parents ) and stay over there , and my sister was the baby so she got away with everything . Even with all that going on I still passed all my classes , even though I didn't know what I was doing in math or English . Go forward to 8th grade , I was cutting and even abusing pills to make myself sleep all day . My school found out and I was taken to the er for suicidal care . After that I was able to move in with my dad , 4 hours away from family . I was fine with that . Fast forward to when I was 15/16 I got into a relationship with a kid I used to go to school with , he lived very close to my mother . So I went down there just so I can see him . It was all good until a month or so go by , my mom starts being abusive again . My boyfriend starts being verbally and sexually abusive , but with my anxiety I didn't know what to do so I just stayed . 7 months pass , I broke up with my boyfriend , he harassed and stalked me for months after that , my mom calmed down a bit . Now it's likes 4 months later , I found another guy . I was 16 and he was 19 , I fell in love and he treated me good . I'm still living with my dad , an hour away from my boyfriend , and I find things on his phone . He was asking other girls for nudes , and calling them pretty , and to only keep it between them . I confronted him and he's says he won't ever do it again . Now it's been almost a year he and I are together . I'm 17 now and he's 20 . I still love him with all my heart . He's been making plans for us in the future . He knows I have anxiety , but he gets so angry at me when I don't feel comfortable going out with his friends . I hate being in large groups . He knows this , but still yells at me . We then make up and it's all good but it's still an every other week thing for us . And on top of that . I don't know if I'm going to be able to graduate , cause I'm half stupid and my brain can't process how to do things . You put a test in front of me my mind goes blink . And nobody fucking understands me . They all say I'm doing it for attention or I'm lazy . That's not the case though I want to do all these things but my family degrades me . Puts me in a place and I can't do nothing . I know my boyfriend has good intentions , he wants to get me out of here . I've been staying with my mom , which isn't so bad for now , because my dad decided that he's getting old and doesn't want to die alone . So he's gonna find the first girl he sees and settle down . It's been not even five months and his new girl friend has taken over . She's made lies , won't let him talk to his female Co workers , even tho he's the general manager. He doesn't want to listen to us kids ,he's think we don't want him to be happy . So I just left , he can be happy all he wants with her ruining his life .

I'm just so done , it's to the point I really don't care if I'm alive or not .

I probably won't graduate

I lost both of my parents

After 12 years I'm still depressed and have severe anxiety .

I just don't think I'm meant to be here .