Boyfriend+baby making=😞

this is kind of a rant and it's long.

I just needed to get this out of me.

so three weeks ago, as I ended my birth control, I asked my long term boyfriend if he wanted to try for another baby. he said yes. I drilled him with every possible outcome and anything that might freak him out. (ie: you won't back out after I'm pregnant and leave; and you're 100% in this because if not I will call my Rx in and continue with my birth control.)

so after telling me yes. after suffering through a longer period because of the lack of birth control I tell him that tomorrow is the start of my fertile window. his face drops and he tells me after doing some soul searching he wants to wait on a child. now, I respect the fact that he told me.

**Now, I know that fertilization can happen at any point and we do it like rabbits. but I'm pretty sure I'm not **

I'm super conflicted on like if he did (or does) get me pregnant what would his reaction be, because after I lost our last baby, he was a jerk about it. like I want to cry because he's backed out of it and I want my rainbow after my storms but I want him there too. I'm scared he will leave me if I am pregnant.

for 3 years of me being on birth control, he bugged me every month about having a kid with him and now this.

my feelings are pretty hurt mainly because he doesn't looks at me the same since my miscarriage.