I saw my rapist today. Updated 8/21

I just moved back to my hometown with my husband, and we're staying in a hotel. I was waiting in the lobby with our puppies when I saw him open the door and held it open for me. My head was down and I said "no thank you I'm not going in." When I looked up, he said "okay." And then walked passed me. I never thought I would ever see this man again. My throat started to close and my vision went black. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't find my husband. I had never had this kind of panic attack before. I momentarily let go of my dogs leashes because I couldn't handle speaking and hearing this man speak back to me. It's now been a few hours since seeing him and I can't sleep. After 5 years, this man still affects my life. But, I am getting better. I am getting stronger. I will be better. I will be stronger. Today, I saw my rapist. And today, I got the closure I needed. I won't let this awful person hurt me any longer. He doesn't get to ruin me anymore. I am okay. ❤️

First update: when we checked out, I saw his girlfriend/baby mom. She looked at me and my husband and said "wow. I'll have to tell my boyfriend I saw you. It's been a long time." I walked away and started to cry. But I know I am better than that. I won't let any of this define who I am from here on out. And I just want to say thank you to everyone who has commented. You are all so brave and strong for going through this. You are all so incredibly important and beautiful and I'm glad each and every one of you can live another day to tell your story. God bless you all ❤️

Update 8/21:

I saw him again this past weekend. I was out with a couple of my friends and had had a couple of drinks, maybe 2 beers. We locked eyes and I felt disgusting. Vulnerable. Just like I did when it happened. It felt like he had control over me. Like it was going to happen all over again. I puked, and puked. I couldn’t stomach the thought. He was with his girlfriend. She saw me. Came over and started talking to me. Said “it was great to see me” I puked again. After all this time, how could I still let this person have this hold over me? I went home and cried until I puked again. I told myself I was better than this. I told myself it would be better, and it would not define me. Yet here I am, thinking about it daily. Effecting my work days, and my sexual nights with my husband.. I called my therapist. All I want is to move on. I don’t forgive him, but I want to go about my life without thinking about it. I want to live my life without worrying if I will see him again. And if I ever do, I want to keep my head high and walk past without thinking I’m the one to blame. I want this to be over. I want this to be done. It will take time. But I’m ready to forget this and I’m ready to work on me and my health.