UPDATED Termination for medical reason@19 weeks

I found out at 18 weeks that our baby has spina bidida, severe hydrocephalus and Arnold Chiari type 2 malformation, his legs are paralysed and I have polyhidramnios. We decided after an agonizing discussion to terminate.

I have been in the hospital for 4 days. Induction has been started three days ago with intracervical misoprostol... 24 h laters another. 12 h later sublingual misoprostol and an iv with ocytocin, today has been the same. I have no symptoms of labor whatsoever. Guilt and pain is killing me. I dont know how much longer I can cope with waiting.

Im in a room with two other pregnant ladies, one is currently in labor, the other is waiting for a C Section. Both are having healthy beautiful babies... Around me its full of talk about pregnancy and laughter and people visiting, one of my room mates had her younger daughter visiting

I really dont want to be mean. i have engaged in pregnant and baby talk and helped my laboring room mate as much as possible. I havent bothered the nurses with any requests and the doctors with questions although I had them but they were all so busy... they also told me to not bother them until I start contractions.... its my first ever pregnancy and have no idea what to expect. Im scared and tired. My parents and friends do not now I am pregnant, we planned to tell them after our triple test, now I want to spear them the pain so they will never know... but I dont know for how much longer I can take this. My heart is breaking. I dont understand why this is taking so long, everything I have read talks about 36 h tops. I am essentialy waiting to let my baby die (they refuse to perform feticide here), the baby that I have first feel kicking the day I was admitted to the hospital, of course. There is guilt and what if's and blaming myself and the situation of having to do this with an audience abd keep it up and smile and support everyone else around is not helping.

I just needed to vent, sorry for the long post. Every minute I am here, I know I have to go through this and then going home and its just... I dont know.

Update 1: two days later, again on intracervical misoprostol, did not work. I got a uterine catheter this morning and they injected the uterus with saline and inserted more misoprostol to at least get me dilated. No anesthesia whatsoever. We will see what comes next. Last night one of the ladies in the ward started labor and due to scarcity of personnel I was the one to stay with her, hold her hand and help her breathe etc. After she went into the theater I had a little breakdown and again after the catheter insertion but Im fine now....

Update 2: still nothing, this is the 7th day of trying to induce birth. My Dr reinflated the catheter cuff, inserted double dose of misoprostol and put me on antibiotics. Again Im gonna be waiting....

Update 3: went into labor last night and after an unmedicated, agonizing couple of hours gave birth to my son. His little heart was already still. I only managed to see a tiny perfect hand, asked for him repeatedly but I was refused. In the end I passed out, woke up hours later. Thats all I can write for now. My heart is missing a piece... I am broken.