Wanting my mom to die

First i know the subject is quite shocking. But she has been quite abusive throughout my life..verbally, emotionally and physically. That is since childhood and am now 23. Just finished uni. And am back home and everything just changed. Practically she changed treats me a whole lot better. But i dont know it feels so fake to me..and she sometimes gets angry when she tries good and i block her. But its just a mechanism i have had throughout. I need a proper conversation and apology for all that she has done. I dont know if i am being too dramatic but i dont think she can just decide to be different and i am to just forget everything that has happened before. I loathe her like alot. I have wished her dead for long. I even hate myself for that..but my feelings and emotions just feel valid about what i want. I dont know what to do i am so conflicted. And i dont want to be the one to start the big conversation.