UPDATE:::

I am now 4 months out from losing my beautiful Hunter. Yes. I understand how angry and irrational I sounded and have been. Angry and irrational is part of my roller coaster of ever evolving emotions with grief. No none of this is her fault. It was just so hard to accept. Thank you for your replies whether good or bad.

Since losing hunter I went to counseling once and dropped out. It just wasn’t for me. I have been very active in a support group for other loss mommies. It’s been a tremendous help. I started a “charity/fundraiser” for my son called hunters cuddle cots. My church has helped me take this on as a not for profit so those who donate can receive tax wright offs. I’ve raised enough for one cot to be donated to the hospital where hunter was born and am halfway to my second cot for another hospital. THIS been my healing and grieving. Raising money for these cots so the next mom can have more time. As of right now there’s now only 4 in NYS and I gave that 4th one.

Here’s my beautiful Hunter James just because he’s so damn cute.

I don't even know where to start out I guess I just need to vent.

On 7/17/17 I gave birth to what was supposed to be my rainbow baby. He was a stillborn. His beautiful heart stopped at 39w5d for no known reason. Obviously my entire world stopped spinning. My family is amazing and have surrounded us with love as we grieve.

Well my sister just last week shared the news that her and her newly wed husband are expecting their first child. She found out a week after my son died. She will be able to use the family cradle that we took down and never got to use. She will be giving my parents the grand baby that I never got to. She will be celebrating all the joys of pregnancy while I hold my baby's urn and sit in his empty nursery next to the crib he'll never sleep in.

I'd love to say I'm happy for her but I'm so furious. I'm angry that the world still spins while mines stopped. I'm angry she'll get to have everything that was taken from me.

I know as time goes on it'll sting less but today I grieve heavily over my 7 week old baby and I can't celebrate with her.