My First & My Last Boyfriend 🖤

I was 16 when I started dating. I never thought I'd get a boyfriend and I did. I never thought I'd lose my virginity and I did. I didn't think I would be abused, used for sex and be called the abuser when clearly I was the victim. I'm 18 now. I constantly felt like he didn't love me. I always assumed he was cheating on me. I'm scared to ever date again. I'm scared that nobody would love me. I'm scared that I won't be able to trust someone when they say something. He never took me out on dates but he'd buy me things but I wanted to go out on a date but we never went. He would rape me. He wouldn't let me speak to any guys. I had a guy friend who was a brother to me and I couldn't even talk to him. He would get beat me up in front of kids I was babysitting. In the end I was the abuser. Everyone that he knew he made them Believe that he was the victim. Once I started to fight back against his rape and abuse he cried to his mommy and she threatened me. He has told everyone I was crazy. I just want to move to someplace that nobody knows me. It hurts me that all of my neighbors think I'm the abusive partner but they have no idea what on behind a closed door. I don't even understand how people could think I was the abuser. I'm a small girl. 4'11 130 ish pounds and him a 6'0 250 pound man. I guess since I cried behind a closed door and never told people about it like how he did makes people believe him. I just want to go somewhere new. I will never be able to have trust and a man wouldn't want to have a damaged girl. My first and my last boyfriend 🖤