Abusive Relationship

let me just tell y'all, getting out of & over an abusive relationship in anyway (physical, emotional, mental, verbally) is so damn hard. i was repeatedly torn down until i felt completely worthless. i compared myself to literally everyone because there was ALWAYS someone better. nothing i did was good enough, and no matter what, i was the bad guy & was the one apologizing. i would feel like the worst person in the world for something i didn't even do. i got in trouble anytime i had any emotions or talked about how i felt. i kept everything bottled up, and then would cry all night. i felt so empty and sad all the time, but i had to be there for him. i had to make him happy, make him feel better when he was sad, and listen to all his problems. i had to have sex with him when he wanted, come over when he told me to, drop the friends he didn't like, etc. i would look at myself and wonder what i was doing wrong, pick myself apart, and ended up hating every part of me. i was dropped when he got bored, and then picked back up again when he felt like it. as soon as he saw me happy, he came back. no one understands how hard it is to leave a relationship that's abusive in any way, they have you brainwashed & are constantly promising better, that they'll change, that things will be different and you believe them. you stay, give out another chance, and go through the pain time & time again. and when you finally, FINALLY have the strength to say enough is enough, and leave, the pain follows. nights you lay and ask yourself what you did to deserve it. mornings you wake up and look at yourself and STILL hate what you see because it doesn't get better over night. you let this person control every thought you had for so long, you became dependent on their approval, and attached because they made sure you knew they were the only one "good" for you. nights you lay so sad you feel like you're going to be sick. cry. scream in anger. nights i feel weak, physically weak, and just so sad. everyday is a battle not to run back, because it's what i know. it's what i'm comfortable with. some days seem so damn impossible, but i'm doing it. day by day, i'm getting over it. i'm trying to feel good again. everyday i remind myself i DONT need him. i remind myself what he did to me. i'm just trying to be okay. and i know i have a long road ahead of me.