awkward comebacks

it happened to me today. I told a family member we were expecting baby #3 and he said "geez dont you guys know what birth control is?!!" I was stunned. my babies are NOT accidents or mistakes, they are people. real live human beings who have bettered my life in 1000 ways. so I decided from here on out, offhanded remarks and unwelcome questions from strangers will be met with awko taco responses. here are some I've thought of tonight

"wow, you're only __ weeks along, you're huge!"

-- "yeah ive heard that can happen when you use doggy style to conceive"

"another baby? was it planned?"

-- "the sex to have the baby? not really, it had been a long day but my husband's hair looked like Ryan Gosling's in the Notebook so I just had to have sex with him!"

"why dont you have kids?" / "when are you going to have kids?"

-- " the doctor told me the kinkier the sex, the more likely we are to conceive. I just bought handcuffs and edible underwear today so im hopeful!"

"dont you know what birth control is?"

-- "yes I've heard a few things, is that the one the guy sticks up his pee pee?"

"how many weeks are you?"

-- "I'm 1043 weeks old, how old are you?"

"you do know what keeps getting you pregnant right?"

-- "no thats the one thing I cant figure out!! everyone keeps telling me that you can't get pregnant from anal but here I am again!"