I tried to conceive to the point where I was crying, insane, hated my partner, hated sex, dumped him, moved on. In the process of adopting, felt happiness again. Then he showed up with an engagement ring and happy to adopt too because he couldn't live without me. My heart set on my adopted child and never wanting to get pregnant. Now I'm pregnant. WTF. Now the thing I wanted the most in the world - is the thing I do not want anymore. I stopped all the vitamins and healthy crap and started a migraine prevention medication that causes birth defects a month ago because the fertility specialist told me I was too fucking old. Life is cruel.