I just wanna talk to someone

For the last couple of days I’ve been feeling really down. I’ve failed school twice. I had to quit my job because my morning sickness was so bad I couldn’t get out of bed and now that I am taking medication for it if I stand for too long I start to get faint and exhausted. I’m 18 years old and all my friends have gone to uni and done all these amazing things and I’m over her thinking this wasn’t my plan.

Me and my boyfriend started our relationship 20th December. January 23rd I had to take plan B. I went 4 days after when I got the courage to ask my grandmother to take me to the hospital as I couldn’t afford to pay for plan B. I told him after 4 days when my period was late. He was supportive but luckily my period came a week later. After that he never let it go. He told me he was ready that he wanted to look after me. We were living together at this point and I was stuck at a job where I was treated like crap and my home life was constant verbal abuse from my brother and my mum agreeing with him.

My boyfriend is 24 years old and I’m 18 but we met when i was 17 and he was 23. The first place we lived was 5 minutes away from my family but then we moved away to a place where it’s 1hr 30 by car and 3hr 30 by bus and train. I was happy to leave my crappy job and my family life at home.

I moved 26th June. I found I was pregnant 14th July. I found I conceived 15th June.

In the beginning I was so happy but slowly I’ve become to feel really shitty about myself. I feel ugly I look back of all the photos of me wearing makeup and I want to try to do it but I can’t even bring myself to put a single bit on. Last night I was on my boyfriend phone and there was porn on one of his tabs. Now I’m fine with it honestly I even taught him where to find the best porn which sites are good. However, for some reason yesterday I suddenly felt really shit about the fact that he was watching porn. Before I had never caught him. Like this was the first time to catch that he was watching it alone. So I wanted to see when else he had looked and I started going through his history and he started getting defensive and I was joking around saying I was curious and then he got angry. He shouted at me took his phone and went back to his computer. I sat on the bed and I was watching a film and I started scratching my leg. I don’t know why I did it but I did. I kept scratching until the feeling was gone and then I went and did another spot.

Now I self harmed back when I was 16. I was in a really shitty relationship. Was practically an alcoholic. Was failing school on the verge of being kicked out of school. I haven’t self harmed in 2 years. But all of a sudden I was doing it without thinking. When I realised what I had done I wanted to cry. I don’t know what happened. I never wanted to do it to myself. I don’t ever want to do it again it’s not fair on my baby.

I just feel so down, so ugly, so worthless and sometimes even very lonely since my SO works 12 hours a day and I just have to stay home as I don’t have any friends anymore and my family don’t really speak to me anymore unless they are asking for money especially my mother. I need to pay £100 if i want my mother to come see me. So I stopped asking her to come see me.

I just wanted to talk to someone.

Sorry about my hairy legs my morning sickness is the worst when I shower so it’s nearly impossible to shave and waxing is too expensive.