Dear Ellie..

Motherhood has hit me like a ton of bricks right in the face.

Don’t get me wrong, I love you with all my heart and soul. & excuse my language, but holy shit is this HARD. There is absolutely no book, no article, no Facebook post, no amount of advice that can prepare you for the roller coaster that is motherhood. It’s full of physical pain from the very start, it’s full of tears at 3 in the morning because your nipples hurt so bad from breastfeeding, it’s full of frustration from staying up ALL NIGHT trying to console you because you’re just crying and crying and crying, and I just can’t seem to figure out why. it’s full of loneliness because people say they get you and maybe they really do but in your head, in your current world, they just don’t. They don’t get it. Motherhood is crying for an hour because you have a diaper rash and I feel like it’s my fault. Motherhood is feeling like I’m not good enough for you.

Nothing in the world can prepare you for this. Nothing in the world can prepare you for the pain, for the fear, for the LOVE that will grow in your heart.

Motherhood is pain, fear, sacrifice and LOVE. It’s waking up at the light of dawn to see your sleepy face. It’s looking down at the silly faces you make trying to latch on to my nipple. It’s seeing your first smile even if it’s just a reflex and not really a smile. It’s starring at your eyes while you concentrate your brand new eyes on mine. It’s watching you, a tiny human that My body made grow, half you and half the person I love.

I never thought I’d be a mother. I never really wanted to be. But then I met the right man, and then I realized that being a mother is a privilege. It’s a privilege to watch the tiny human I created inside of me grow.

Nothing about this has been easy. I’ve gone through things emotionally and physically that I didn’t even know I could overcome. But every single moment, has brought me to this:

My Ellie. You’re worth every single tear, every single ounce of pain, every single sleepless night, and so so much more.

I can’t wait to watch you grow..

ALL my love,

Your mom.