Call me what you will. But I need to get some things of my chest. First off I know clomid isn’t guaranteed to work the first time or even second or the third or at all. But I still don’t understand how I didn’t get pregnant. We had sex on my most fertile days. We used preseed. I did ovulate. His sperm count is normal. Maybe I’m emotional because I’ve been riding the crimson wave the last few days. I thought all the CM was adding up. I thought this month for sure I was going to see 2 pink lines. Nope didn’t see them. I had to have surgery unrelated to ttc. They tested me at the hospital and it was a negative. That hurt so bad. I want to be a mom so much.

I dream of the moment I find out that I am going to be a mom. I want so badly what others may take for granted. I really thought this was our month. I got so excited I started thinking of ways to tell my husband. Then ways to tell our family. I knew if I was, I would announce it at thanksgiving.

My entire family is supposed to be at thanksgiving. My husbands family and mine. My parents are divorced, this would be the first holiday with all of us together in 10 years. To me that was perfect.

And ladies don’t judge me, I know there are others out there that want this as badly as I do. I know all of you would feel the EXACT same way. My step sister, who just got married in September is 2 months pregnant.

I am happy for her. It’s wonderful and amazing news for her! But I’ll be honest, there is a part of me that is so jealous! They tried for 1 month and wham bam thank you ma’am she’s pregnant.

I think that’s the part that hurts the most. I have to go through all of this medication and monitoring to achieve this dream. I hope she realizes how truly lucky she is. I know god does things for a reason.

Now that little part of me that’s jealous is also saying maybe you should step back for trying. It’s saying if you get pregnant this cycle you’ll be 2 months behind her. People are going to say you got pregnant because she did. I would hope people wouldn’t say that. If they only knew we’ve been trying over a year.

I wouldn’t want to interfere with her spotlight. I also have this feeling if we were so close in pregnancy, the family may have a joint baby shower. To me that’s not fair to either of us. It would be her first child and my first child. I would want the spot light on her at her shower, and on me at mine.

I want things to be fair. But I would like the idea of our children being so close in age. They would play together more.

My nieces are 14, 13, and 2. The two older girls are my sister in laws and the youngest is my brother in laws. They aren’t close at all. I want that with my children.

I know this seems like rambling to you all, I know I will be judged and called names and what not. That’s fine. I’m sure most of you will think I’m immature for my thoughts. And that’s your opinion. But you can’t tell me that you wouldn’t feel the same way, especially if it’s something you want so badly.

I know I’m not the only one on here that wants to be a mom and gets a little upset when they find out someone close to them becomes pregnant! If anyone feels like sharing your more than welcomed. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything.