I'm lost.

I don't know where to start....

On April 1st, (go figure) 2017 I found out I was pregnant by my boyfriend. We were actively trying despite only being together for 6 months. I was dumb and in love. (PLEASE don't judge...) We were ecstatic and he was so happy to finally be a father. He insisted that I quit my job and stay home because I started having severe morning sickness, so I did. During my first trimester, we would fight a lot to the point of him getting physical with me... slapping me across the face, pinning me down on the floor so i can't move... etc. At that point, i became hopeless and suicidal. Our relationship started rapidly deteriorating... I wasn't happy. I debated leaving. But of course, I didn't.

I started seeing a therapist, who was a close family friend, for my depression and anxiety. It then turned into couple's counseling, because I started bringing my boyfriend to my sessions. Things started to get a little better as our communication sort of improved.

We took a loan out on a house with his best friend, and I was supposed to be on the deed along with his friend, (my parents furnished the entire house and the baby's room, helped us move, gave us a $5,000 down payment on the house God bless them, in exchange for a promise of me being on the deed), but when we went to sign papers, there was an error on the realtor's behalf, and I was not able to sign. The realtor explained to me that after the first mortgage payment, I would get a copy and I would be able to add myself. I brought this up to my boyfriend's friend at least 3 different times but there is always some sort of excuse. I'm afraid and scared that I'm gonna get fucked over because I have no job (because my boyfriend insisted) and i can't get another because I'm 36 weeks pregnant.

I feel as if I've been plotted against. I feel trapped. I feel used. I feel taken advantage of. I feel like my parents were used and abused. I feel like a failure. I feel like this is all my fault. I need some sort of protection. Am I just being paranoid???

Fast forward to 20 weeks, we found out we were having a baby girl. At our gender reveal, my boyfriend got down on one knee and proposed and of course, i said yes. (This is my second engagement.... so i'm a little apprehensive)

Things got better. We were settling into our new house, getting the nursery all set up... i had high hopes.

Then the fighting began.

He smoked weed, (it was something we used to do together before I got pregnant and when we first met it was all we would do together. I had no problem with it until I found out I was pregnant because we came to an agreement that when I got pregnant we would quit together.)

Of course, that didn't happen on his part.

I quit cold turkey.

He would tell me he isn't smoking and he would lie to me... he would buy it behind my back when we had to save for the baby... it got really bad... to the point of him choosing it over me all the time and giving me an ultimatum of saying he'd choose himself and the weed over me.

He would come home from work, not even say hello to me when he got home, and go straight to the garage and smoke. He spends a majority of his time out with friends. He didn't come home on our anniversary. I got him a card and candy and put rose petals on the bed and all i got was an eye roll and a "why"? Devastated. Just pure devastation.

The past few weeks, it got worse.

He lacks emotion towards me. He does not help me in or out of the car despite me being 36 weeks pregnant. I was in pain at the grocery store and we were walking with the cart out in the parking lot to get back in the car and a woman noticed I was in pain and asks my fiance "is she alright? Arent you gonna help her?" He responds "ah shes 8 months pregnant she'll get used to it."

He does not even look my way when I'm struggling to make dinner or help me put the dishes away when I can't bend down. He does not initiate sex. He explained that I should move out and that I can "VISIT OUR DAUGHTER" after he takes full custody. Mind you, i don't do drugs, i don't have a criminal background. but i also dont have a job so i lack the ability to be financially independent and take care of this baby on my own. i'm trapped. my daughter and i are stuck... fucked... Tonight i tried having a civil conversation with him as to why his phone had a password on it and he said "if you want me to be honest with you ive85mc

thought about ending it all and thought about cheating on you." I am purely devastated. I am broken, shattered, and laying on the couch alone. I have nobody to call, no friends...no family that would care... i am suicidal, I know its pathetic, I'm just... destroyed. I don't know where to go from here.