Okay. This is going to be a major rant so I️ apologize in advance ladies (and gentlemen if applicable.

Over the summer I️ met this guy— on our first date we made out which is something I️ never do on first dates. I’m always too self conscious and uncomfortable. Anyway, I️ tend to tell guys on the first date that I️ am (was) a virgin and don’t want to have sex until it’s the right person and I’m completely ready. I️ made it very clear that I️ was NOT ready. We started hanging out after that pretty regularly. We hung out and studied and made out in his car maybe twice a week for about a month. One day in the car he put his hands in my pants and I️ moved them after about 8 seconds in a panic ( first guy I️ ever let do that under my underwear) Long story short, he was Syrian, I️m American and he told me a few dates in he could never tell his parents about me and that was not an option. His parents went out of town and he called and asked me to come over, I️ hesitated but gave in and went over. We hung out in his bedroom for a little bit and then we started making out. I️ kept trying to slow things down and change the subject to something else. (Note: I️ was at the end of my period— I️ kept a tampon in to make me more comfortable so nothing could happen) he took my shirt and pants off so I️ was only in a bra (maybe not even a bra) and underwear. I️ wasn’t comfortable with how quickly he was moving so I️ kept trying to change the subject/scenery. I️ finally convinced him that we should go swimming and was able to grab my bathing suit and go into the closet. He followed me in. He kept saying no don’t put that on and pushed my against the wall and was kissing me. I️ was like no let’s just go swimming let’s go swimming. He turned away for a second to show me a shirt and I️ quickly slipped my suit on. He wasn’t happy I️ didn’t do it while he watched it seemed like. Anyway. We go outside to the pool and we’re in the water and he takes his pants off (note I’ve never seen a guy naked before) he started to un tie my bottoms and I️ kept re tying them and double knotting it when he went to the other side. I️ was like no no, I️ want to keep them on. And he just continued. He took my top off. And I️ asked for it back and he threw it in the yard. He then pulled my bottoms down. I️ asked for those back too... he pushed me against the wall in the pool and we kissed a little but I️ kept moving away from his body. Then he had him carry me around the pool. It was kinda weird in this “supposed to be romantic in a movie” type of way. Next thing I️ know he’s putting his hand in my vagina. While I️ have a tamp in? Realizing I️ was uncomfortable I️ was like okay I’m cold let go inside I️ need to change my tampon too. I️ wanted clothes back on... I️ asked for my bottoms and he quickly swam to the part of the pool they were in and took the out of the pool. So I️ asked for my towel and he said come get it. I️ went to get my towel and started to dry off and wrapped up in it and he kept trying to pull it off. We went inside and he says oh my gosh! Just give me the towel trust me I️ promise and I️ was like what and he goes I️ want to dry you off— so he rips the towel off me... I️ ask for it back and he got annoyed and said he wants to put it away. I️ said well I️ don’t want to walk through you house baked. Which he responded... “FINE geez just trying to be nice” we went up to his room and I️ said I️ need to go to the bathroom. He goes no you don’t and I️ say yes I️ do, I️ need to change my tampon. And hI️ goes ohh yeah I️ guess you do... fine. So I️ grab my clothes without him noticing and go to the bathroom and realized I️ forgot my tampon... I️ put my clothes on (didn’t have my shorts back on) and went in. He looks at me and goes “why are you dressed again” and I said “cause I️ want to be” and he was annoyed. He comes over takes my shirt off. We made out and he took my pants off and went down on me. Things started happening and eventually he took his underwear off without my realizing. I️ was confused because it felt good but wrong. Things kept happening and he kept putting my hand on his penis and I️ kept saying I’m not ready. He tried to convince me to give him a blowjob and I️ said I’m not ready (which I️ also told him when he was down on me that I️ wouldn’t reciprocate) it was like that for a few hours, I️ kind of shut down and started to feel really numb and outside of my own body. I️ said we should stop multiple times and he said no we shouldn’t. At one point I️ moved to the other side of the bed my back to him and said we need to stop and he pulled me back and went down on me again. That was sort of his response whenever I️ said that he would go back down and I️ was confused because it felt physically good but I️ didn’t want to at the same time and I️ felt stuck like I️ couldn’t say no. Anyway. I️ got emotional before I️ left it was like 2 AM. I️ told him I️ might be falling in love with him (even though I️ was completely numb) to which he responded to home and get some rest a lot just happened for your first time and it’s late come back tomorrow. I️ left and cried in my car. I️ felt immediately horrible and just not right. For some reason I️ went back the next day (which started with him being a jerk on the phone because I️ didn’t wake up early enough cause I️ was having trouble getting out of bed) that second time I️ went back and wore a bralette That I️ did buy in hopes he would see it but I️ didn’t want this I️ guess. Same thing happened. I️ said we should stop he didn’t. Eventually I️ finally got him to stop and I️ just laid naked on my stomach on the bed. He finished himself on my back while I️ stared at the wall feeling like a piece of meat honestly. It was kind of rough.

Alright. So typing that all out makes me feel like I’m making him out to be a monster. He’s not. He’s an insensitive jerk that I️ will never speak to again in my life, but I️ don’t know. I️ had a part in this. I️ went over, not once but twice. I️ continued kissing him. I️ didn’t fight him off physically I️ just said I️ wanted to stop or we needed to stop. Which the guy I’m with now when I️ost my virginity to him I️ had a panic attack and said we ne d to stop and in less than a second he had moved his body two feet away from mine—asked if I️ was okay— and then put his pants on so I️ knew nothing else would happen. I️ guess this first guy probably should have done that. But I️ went both times, I️ worse a cute bra. Idk.... I️ didn’t stop it I️ didn’t try hard enough to scream no or something. I️ think I️ just turned myself off emotionally and let it continue. I️ really felt like nothing but an object. So I️ don’t know if I️ was sexually assaulted. I’m 19 he’s 20, I️ wouldn’t call him a sexual predator. But I️ also pray he listens to the next girl who says stop. I️ don’t want another girl going through that. But he was going down on me so I️ don’t know how that could be assault either when he wasn’t even getting any benefit—Oh. I️ guess I️ should add a month after this I️ was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and realized I️ was hypomanic the entire summer. “Normal” me, wouldn’t have gone to his house. So I️ blame myself mostly. If I️ didn’t go none of this would have happened

Im not sure why I️ just wrote all of that out to tell a group of people... I️ guess I️ thought I️ was over it but I’m not so sure. For a few weeks after things with him I️ was disgusted looking in the mirror. I️ felt like my body was used, and I️ could never get it back and I️ couldn’t ever be loved by another guy because I️ was just used up now. My current boyfriend who I️ lost my virginity to, I️ went on a date with him while still hypomanic and told him what happened and he said a guy should stop if a girl says that. He doesn’t call it sexual assault to me— probably because I’ve said I️ dont know if that’s what it was.. but he says it wasn’t consensual. And I️ feel it stopped being consensual at one point. I️ think I’m struggling to deal with this more than I️ let on. But it’s such a small thing I️ don’t want to act like it’s big bexause I️ know others have been through so much worse and have legitimately been assaulted.

Okay. Rant over. Thanks for reading if you read this far. 💖