My long story..

My husband and I have been together for 14 years(married for 5). We have three beautiful children, a home, a life we’ve built together. To everyone we have this wonderful marriage... everyone says they want what we have, that we are what marriage is supposed to be. Little does everyone know- my husband has been cheating off and on since the beginning of our relationship.

In our early “dating” years he would get calls and texts from girls while we were together.. he then would suddenly have to take me home or leave. I would get strange phone calls or MySpace messages online from girls saying they were screwing my boyfriend. He would deny that anything was going on of course... I was young and naive. I believed him.

After a year of dating, I became pregnant with our first child. Soon after finding out, he started a relationship with a female co worker of his... He pretty much left me in the dust to deal with that pregnancy on my own while he carried on this other relationship. He said he was just working a lot and didn’t have time to spend with me. One of the rare days that he did come over, he happened to fall asleep on the couch.. I decided to go through his phone and found endless evidence of their relationship. I called him out on it... I should have left him then but there I was- 17, pregnant, and terrified to raise a baby alone. He promised to end it... called her in front of me and told her that it was over. Our son was born a few weeks later.. we were happy and soon moved in together.

Years passed by... we bought a house, had a baby girl, got married. Things were great I thought. We did it- we made it passed the hard times and conquered them.

I became pregnant with our third child in 2015. My husband then decided to quit his job and work out of state 300 miles away. Soon after he took the job, I started to notice weird activity on our phone bill. Nightly calls/texts to dozens of different numbers— I decided to look up the numbers which directed me to a website called Backpage Bitches. My husband was contacting hookers. It tore my world apart.. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, I fell into a deep depression. I couldn’t bring myself to confront him for quite some time. Everything inside of me was telling me to get out.. leave him- take the kids and go. But I just couldn’t.. I thought it was because I loved him. I thought I needed to keep the vows I made. We are Catholics so divorce was just not an option.. I thought I needed to try harder and rise above.

Over time, I started to realize that I didn’t love him... I actually hated him. I despised him. He would touch me and I would cringe. I was so much happier without him around and actually enjoyed him working far away. The vows I once took meant less to me each day. I realized that I was weak and too afraid to be on my own and that is why I stayed. From the very beginning I stayed for security.. I stayed for our kids.

I can’t even remember the last time I actually told him that I loved him and meant it. It’s like I’ve been putting on a show for years and I deserve an academy award for best performance. My life is a charade..

I had plans to leave earlier this year. I had money set aside, a job lined up.... Then my husband found out he has Stage 3b testicular cancer. I could not be that shitty wife that leaves her sick husband.. so once again I stayed. I have put on my happy face, I perform my supportive wife role... Yet, I resent him throughout this entire cancer ordeal. I have wasted so much of my life caring for and being with a man who has done nothing but hurt and betray me. I see him sick, weak, hurting, afraid...and deep down I don’t care(that’s so sad and terrible I know). I’m angry for having to take care of him.. I’m angry for having one of the worst years of my life because of his disease. I am so deeply unhappy and I am terrified that I will never be free. Terrified I will spend the rest of my life in a loveless marriage...