HELP!! am i attracted to my fiance?

I love my fiance or at least I think I do and I want to. sometimes I think maybe I'm gay and that's why it's hard for me to feel attracted to him or maybe it's because I was sexually abused when I was younger. either way I notice I'm reluctant to kiss him sometimes or to do things like give him head or have sex. usually once we starting get into it or at least I try. it's hard for me but I want to love him and I am attracted to him sometimes. when I see his back and his muscles or how hard he gets or how genuine his facial expressions are when he smiles or ask me something. but I don't understand why sometimes I feel eh and I feel reluctant to do things like kiss him and I don't feel anything special when we kiss. he's my first and only so I don't really have experience with others but I always hear that's it's supposed to feel a certain way. and he always tells me how he gets tingles and what it when we kiss. I know you can't force love and stuff. but I wanna love him and I wanna be attracted to him. there was something that attracted me to him when we first started talking, but he wasn't my first choice. and he's a bit on the smaller side if you know what I mean (he's a grower not a shower) but I don't complain (sex is still painful sometimes so size doesn't matter) but I feel things like this made me a little less attracted to him in a way, but I'm attracted to him now in different ways. It just bothers me that I'm always reluctant to do things that couples do like kiss and have sex and I want to enjoy these things and I want to love him and look at him and be like damn my fiance is hot. I know I'm lucky to have him and we have such a special bond. I just need advice.

edit: I don't really feel sexually attracted to anyone anymore. it's been a while since I crave sex like over a year. I don't know if I feel sexually attracted but sometimes I wish I was with a girl and I'm jealous I don't have that and sometimes I notice a girl and I'm like damn but I feel like sometimes I feel that way for guys. and it's not like he doesn't turn me on it's just never really happens and it's hard