Getting out of a bad relationship... [LONG POST]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years a while ago. Something i should have done 2 years ago.

Ive avoided talking about it to just about ANYONE, and i purged my social media under the guise of “starting fresh”, i really just couldnt look at us be happy together. I guess i want to post something on here just so i can get it out?

Starting at a young age, i always felt like i was unloveable. I dont know when or why it started, but it did. I lived in England, and i faded into the background of every day life, something i was perfectly fine with, it suited me. A few years ago, my parents decided to move us to america, and so we did. We moved to a small town where nothing ever happened and crime was rampant. I was all of a sudden this shiny new toy for everyone to gawk at, and honestly, i kind of liked feeling special.

Thats when i met him, my ex boyfriend, and the man who i assumed i would marry.

Now, let me get one thing straight. I have always been a realist, and the probability of people getting married to their high school sweet heart isnt great! And i KNEW this. But i just thought i was SO unlovable that no one else would want me.

Our relationship started great! He was my best friend and my boyfriend at the same time! The only issue was that i had moved away, my parents didnt want us raised in this environment. It was only eight hours, not very far, but it still sucked.

As time went by, i got to know the man that he was hiding. He was mean, and cruel, and just an asshole kinda guy! I still loved him with all my heart and got over it, as he always used to say things like “it’s the distance, it will get better when we LIVE together!” And i would hold onto my hope.

Eventually it wasnt enough.

He started getting meaner, and acting more like a dick, and pressuring me to do sexual things that i DID NOT want to do, but i did them anyway. And i, being foolish and stupid and thinking that maybe i deserved all of this, kept forgiving him and everything he did. I was very patient and understanding, he blamed a lot of it on his bi polar, and i wanted to help and support him. Even when he cheated on me, i forgave him.

He always said things like “no one would ever love you more than me”, which played into my before mentioned insecurities. He also used to threaten suicide if i left him.

I didnt realise until a while after the suicide threats, that he had displayed symptoms of an unhealthy and “obsessive” love. I didnt want that. I didnt want him to DEPEND on me, i couldnt take that responsibility, especially as im suffering with my own depression and suicide attempt.

The thing that sparked our break up was him cheating on me again. This time, with the girl i used to call my best friend. I didn’t believe her at first, as she used to flirt with my ex behind my back all the time, and had told me once before that he had cheated on me, with no solid proof. This time she showed me screen shots, and i knew it was real.

He hid it from me a while, and then eventually admitted it.

I was so ANGRY and FRUSTRATED and BETRAYED. Thinking things like “how DARE he do this to me? Ive done SO MUCH for him” and “we had ONE small fight, and this is what he does?”. Eventually as i calmed down, my thoughts turned more like “how am i going to forgive him for this?” Or “when am i going to get over it?”. It never occurred to me that maybe i should break up with him instead of patching things up.

I did forgive him in the end, and i did try to make our relationship work, because thats just who i am! However, I (the innocent party) was doing all the work.

He would forget about me, ignore me, pick fights with me WHILE he was supposed to be “making it up to me”. He acted like NOTHING HAD HAPPENED and NOTHING WAS WRONG. It went on for a few more weeks, and during this time i had noticed that a NEW friend (basically, a stranger) was putting in more effort to be nice to me than my “boyfriend” was.

When i realised that talking to my ex was the worst part of my day, i finally saw what was happening.

I was falling out of love, and i had every right to do so.

I broke up with him shortly after. He did not take it well.

He refused to take any responsibility for his actions, saying thats how he was RAISED, and that hes only nice and sweet when hes with me, so i should take him back to prevent him from doing something stupid. I fought with him about it. Hes 18 years old, hes old enough to take responsibility for his own actions, he just DIDNT. Pushing it all on other people. Eventually, after an hour of fighting, he said “fuck it”, got drunk, and assaulted his friend.

His friends didnt help either. They were too scared to help him snap out of it and get sober, or even take his alcohol away.

In the end i had to call him again and tell him how much of an IDIOT he was, get him sober, and get him to call his dad. He was having a breakdown, he was suicidal, and he honestly needed to go to a hospital. He did. And it KILLS me every day to think that i sent him there, even if he needed it.

It hurts me to think about how much pain our breakup caused him. Mostly because ive never felt more free, and ive moved on! But i remind myself every day that i shouldnt feel guilty! They were not MY actions.

I DESERVE better, even if i dont THINK i do.

❤️✨MORAL OF THE STORY✨❤️

Ladies and gentlemen, if you go into a relationship where you are their PARENT instead of their SIGNIFICANT OTHER, just dont. You DESERVE someone who wont use you as an emotional sponge! You DESERVE someone who can take care if YOU too! You DESERVE someone who doesnt NEED you in order to stay sane.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

YOU ARE LOVABLE.

Someone will come along and love the HELL out of you!

This is hard for me, and i anyone feels the same way, ot is going through this, im here for you!!! ❤️❤️❤️