I hate ..

Need to get it out now

I hate my hair, I’m scared I’m going to loose it again, I can’t style it, my wig doesn’t fit right so it’s uncomfortable, I can’t wear certain clothes with my hair short as I feel ugly.

I hate my ears, yesterday I got angry because Callum’s headphones wasn’t working so I put my hearing aids back in and clicked play, the headphones were still connected and I could hear the noise playing through them while they were on the bed so I held one up to my ear and it was loud so I thought “oh they are working now” took one hearing aid out pressed play and I couldn’t hear it so I got upset, I don’t like worrying constantly that my battery might die and if I’m out in a crowded place it’s so hard to communicate

I hate my skin, I have horrible spots and it’s blotchy and so pale it’s just un attractive

I hate my belly, I’m not fat but I don’t like the way it sits or when I look down and it’s just there it’s gross

I hate pretending I stay up so Callum can sleep or because I want a bath or I’m not tired, truth is I’m so tried but I can never sleep because I can’t stop having horrible dreams, some are about when I was in hospital, loosing family, loosing Callum and being alone.

I hate my scars, they don’t look nice but I also find myself fighting constantly to not make more I know I won’t but it’s hard. Callum definitely helps just by being with me all the time and he makes me happy.

I hate being in physical pain constantly, I’ve learnt to hide it now but it’s all ways there I can’t remember the last day where I haven’t been in pain, sometimes it’s my legs so I walk slow but every one just moans to walk faster.

I hate my chest yes I smoke so I can’t really complain but I didn’t smoke till months after my lung failure and it hasn’t got worst since I started it’s the same but I can’t take deep breaths, I run out of breath quick, I constantly feel like I’m going to faint but I’m used to it now

I moan at people a lot but I have all this anger towards myself built up and the only way I let it go before was hurting myself and now that I’ve stopped for everyone I’ve begun to throw my anger at people I love and I’m trying to manage it so bad and I’m getting better but I can’t explain to them if I don’t get my anger out some how I’ll go back to how I was before because I don’t think they will understand and will probably think I’m going to try and kill myself again but I won’t I’m happy with my life I’m just not happy with myself.