I should have been dead.

emma • musician & mua


I have never told anyone this story except for my best friend but I want to tell someone because it’s been bottled up inside me forever. On July 2nd, 2017, I overdosed on a prescription cough medicine. I am 16 years old and all my life, I have battled severe depression and anxiety disorders. I also have severe insomnia and hadn’t slept in days and I was desperate to sleep (possibly forever). I drank almost 2 entire bottles of bromphen cough syrup which is a combination of dextromethorphan and pseudoephedrine. When I had taken this medicine before, it barely worked. I thought it was weak, and I was invincible and that it was impossible to OD on cough medicine. I took the medicine around 4 in the morning. I first became dizzy around 5 AM and laid down because I was hoping to sleep. Another hour passed and I wasn’t sleeping, but I wasn’t awake either. I looked around my room and had severe hallucinations and my eyes were moving at different times/speeds. I couldn’t focus on anything and couldn’t remember anything. I would have told my parents, but they get mad easily so I was scared (I know they wouldn’t have about this, but with my OD thinking, they would have killed me). At around 6:30 AM, I started having seizures. Over the span of the night, I had 17 seizures. I never slept that night even though it felt like I did. But, I saw Jesus. Some of you may say that it was the hallucinations, but when the hallucinations got close to me they disappeared. I couldn’t feel those. I could feel his touch and his love. It was real. I had lost my connection with God a while back and was very disconnected. (Hadn’t been praying, etc). He hugged me and laid me down on my bed and told me everything would be okay. I talked to him and cried a lot. I know it sounds crazy but I 100% believe it was him and not the hallucinations. The hallucinations I had been having were scary and absolutely terrifying. This was peaceful and I could literally feel his presence. I think he was with me until I heard my parents get up and he told me goodbye. I stayed in bed a little while longer because I was still scared. I texted my mom and she came in my room and could immediately tell something was wrong. She used to be a nurse and the first thing she noticed was my pupils. They were completely blown and didn’t respond to light whatsoever. I didn’t ever go to the doctor for it because I didn’t want her to get into trouble. I tried to walk and I couldn’t feel anything. It was like I was floating. My mom called poison control and told them exactly how much I drank, and they had no explanation to why I was still alive. That’s why I think the Jesus vision was real. It was a hands on experience and a feeling I had never felt before. My pupils didn’t react for another week after everything started going away. I was so weak and bed ridden. I still can’t bear to bring up some of the things I saw that night in those hallucinations because they are so disturbing. The worst thing was that your brain knows every fear and uses them all against you.

Depression is absolutely horrible and whoever says it’s fake is so incredibly ignorant. I tried to commit suicide because of it and it’s very much real. Overdosing is not fun whatsoever and PLEASE... if you ever think you might have overdosed, do not hesitate to tell your parents/call 911 like I did. It is a serious thing and I should have been dead. I know this was long but I want people to know this. I’m fairly popular in school and people always tell me how perfect my life is when really, I’m just good at faking a smile. Stay strong loves, I’m trying to. ❤️