Idk what I’m holding on to

So I stopped talking to the guy I had been talking to for 3.5 years on Black Friday. Last week I saw a note he left me on my spotify to tell me he loved me and I basically texted him apologizing for telling him to rot in hell after finding out he had a new girl 3 days later and was posting her showing her off. He never did that for me and acted like he had to hide me which made me feel horrible. Also him manipulating me into sex making me feel like I HAD to give it to him. And I of course knew what was right but I just wanted him happy and didn’t want to be degraded for not keeping him happy. I stopped caring about our situations hop so much when my mom found a nude in my phone I sent him making me embarrassed about my body and therefore not wanting to have sex. He didn’t care. I also wanted a real relationship I was tired of making sacrifices for him and him not actually dating me and when I said that. He wanted to get mad at me and accuse me of rushing him into things after we have talked for almost 4 years. I miss the love that I had for him because I really did love him and I miss the good time we had sex and when I wanted it and when he made me feel loved and important and I was able to forgot about the circumstances. I am over him but I also miss him and I want someone to talk to because I don’t have friends like that I take my mind off it. So I have started texting him again which I realize was a mistake. I almost feel like I’m so hurt emotionally because I just wanted him so bad and he showed me I wasn’t important therefore I am scared to trust ppl again or a guy again. With my mind heart or body and idk why I am so scared had anyone else felt like this ?