boyfriend’s sex phobia

* EDIT 2.0: Thank you all sooo much! I’m on the phone with him right now and he is super open to seeking a therapist to help cope with everything. I had previously thought that suggesting therapy would be crossing a line and I now know it isn’t, and I’m excited to see him get the help he needs. Again, thank you so so much! 💕

* EDIT: please read the entire thing because I’m very bad at explaining things and it makes more sense if the whole thing is read 💓

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Okay, so I wasn’t quite sure what to title this as, but I need some help. My boyfriend is terrified of all types of sex and of things relating to sex, and of physical touch that can lead to sex. I don’t want to have sex with him, as we’ve been dating for 5 months and I don’t have much interest in sex at all. Before anybody makes assumptions, he was not molested or raped at any point in his life and he assures me of that. It all stems from his first (and only other) girlfriend before me. He basically refuses to tell me about her, except he, his best friend, and his sister and brother have all told me that in the short time they were dating (a little less than 1 month) they had sex 14 times with him most of the time initiating it. The more I’m told about it, the more I learn that she manipulated him with it to get (very expensive) things she wanted. So that’s very obviously a terrible thing for her to do, but when they broke up it totally ruined him.

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He told me that he is terrified of the following things with me because he is afraid that these actions will immediately lead to sex:

• holding hands when not in public

• long hugs

• putting his arm around my shoulders

• cuddling too close (I can lay my head on his shoulder, otherwise it’s “too sexual”)

• putting his arm around my waist

• putting his hand anywhere above my knee

• putting his hands anywhere below my head

• any kissing except a quick peck

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I understand that given his past he’s justified in being scared, but I am a very physically needy person, I crave cuddles and touch and just overall physical contact, not sexually but even in the most innocent form, just *something*. While some actions can lead to sex, everybody that knows us thinks that it is a bit irrational to think that holding hands leads to sex. It makes me feel like he isn’t even attracted to me (but then I remember that he is and I’m just overthinking), and it hurts. But enough of my issues, what I need help with is counseling him out of this mindset that sex is evil. He is not a religious person but has told me that sex is evil and he’d rather die than have it again. And tbh if he doesn’t ever want to have sex then it is fine by me, I’m not going to try to convince him or make him uncomfortable. But he doesn’t quite understand that not all contact is bad. He has told his friends to tell me (so he wouldn’t have to tell me directly) that he wants to be physical with me but he’s afraid that it’ll lead to sex even though I have made it absolutely clear with him that I don’t want sex from him. He always tells me that I make him so much happier than anybody ever has and that he thinks he loves me and that he trusts me more than anybody, but he’s hell bent on the idea that I’m going to manipulate him with his dick. I comfort him but it’s never enough. I don’t know how this paragraph comes across to any of you, maybe I seem selfish but I assure you I’m not. He is so scared of doing these things, whenever and where ever we are and whatever it is that we’re physically doing (i.e; holding hands, sitting closely next to each other) he’s shaky and sweaty and nervous and so genuinely scared because he doesn’t want to have sex. I want to help but what I say isn’t helping him at all. Do any of you have any advice on how to start a conversation that can open him up to being able to be physical like we (apparently) both want?? I don’t want it to be a deal breaker, bc I really really do like him, but I need physicality (judge me if you want, but i can’t help it 🤷🏼‍♀️)

~ A worried and cuddle deprived 17 year old