Feeling suicidal but not depressed.

I want to start with saying I have no intention of actually committing suicide, I have not planned anything.

I am not depressed. I have been depressed before and I don’t feel depressed. I have an 18 month old. A happy healthy relationship. And pregnant with a much planned baby. I’m 12 weeks along.

My toddler doesn’t fucking sleep. Every time I get professional help they tell me to let him cry or wean him. I’ve tried both. He would cry for 10 hours. He cries until he vomits. And still doesn’t sleep. He won’t get away from my boobs. My partner gets cranky when I get cranky about the toddler. I don’t know how I’m going to survive with another one. I was so happy to be pregnant.

Now I honestly think it would be better if I died. I can’t even bear the thought of having my toddler and another newborn. I think dying is the best option when I look at it all on the table. I don’t necessarily want to be dead but I don’t want this life either. I can’t fix it. My son deserves a mother who can take care of him and not be resentful.

There is nothing to look forward to. It will just be sbsolute misery.