Trigger warning: miscarriage talk

Our first baby.

I don’t want to talk to anyone in person. My husband is my rock. We are leaning on each other. We went in for our 11 week appointment. Had an ultrasound at 7 weeks on December 14th with our fertility specialist. Heartbeat was 133 and healthy. Baby looked great according to the doctor. Fast forward to 11 weeks. January 10th. Doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat on the Doppler but says “it’s perfectly normal this early as some babies heartbeats are still too small.” I wait for my ultrasound. All I want is to have my husband with me (he had to work, and no one was expecting the news we were about to get). All I want is that heartbeat. But the ultrasound tech said the words no parent can bear to hear “there is no heartbeat, I am so sorry sweetie. The baby is measuring at 8 weeks” And like that, our world is gone. Now I wait for my body to naturally miscarry. I have one month before the doctor will likely intervene. All I keep hoping for was a wrong reading. We are heartbroken. And I am so scared to have this be real. I am not ready to say goodbye. I am so scared to let go. I cry daily. Hourly. Each minute is a struggle. I know we will never be the same. I know we will never forget our love for this baby. I am not ready.