I’ve been with my current boyfriend for over a year now.

We met on tinder about two years ago. We scheduled to meet up one day, and I didn’t show up. I hadn’t had tinder long, had never met anyone from the app, and wasn’t entirely ready to have sex. We were meeting in a public place, but I was still worried. When he realized I wasn’t showing up he sent me a long message on how he deserved better than someone who would stand him up. Which was true then.

Then we met in October and started dating in December.

Fast forward to December of 2016. My dad caught us having sex. I was 20 at the time. My dad was upset and kicked my boyfriend out and told me he wasn’t allowed over anymore. I understood that and respected my dads decision. I was living for free, my parents paid for everything for me expect my car and going out money. I had a job for that.

My boyfriend hated my dad for not allowing him over. He would say hateful things about my dad and just treat me bad and make me feel bad for loving my dad. (Granted I don’t have the best relationship with my dad but he’s still a good man). He’d threaten to break up with me if I didn’t stand up to my dad, and I would. And my dad in turn would treat me horribly. Because I knew I was wrong for defending my boyfriend.

In August of 2017, I helped my sister move to college which was 8 hours from where my boyfriend lived. He was upset. Well he went HOURS without speaking to me. So I called him and he answered with “I’m on the phone with this girl I’ll call you back” I was dumbfounded and responded with “Aren’t I more important than your best friends girlfriend” and he simply said no and hung up. The conversation ended with I was never happy with you. We broke it off and I was heartbroken. I didn’t even enjoy my last few days with my sister. Two days later, he came to my house and brought me stuff and hugged me and cried. About a week later, he came back and asked for another chance. I gave it to him. Shortly after that he broke up with me because he “never loved me”. I was devastated. He told me he needed a break and I told him I didn’t agree with breaks so he just ended it.

A few weeks later he told me he had to decide if he truly wanted to be with me and if he could ever love me. And I waited. I waited for three months. I never asked for anything from him. I gave him space. I turned down dates and invites from other guys to go out. I gave him my heart for three months. Those three months changed me. I spent three months sleeping with him, and leaving immediately and crying once I got into my car because I felt like I didn’t do good enough in sex for him to be with me. I had to do better so he’d love me. I started to need constant approval from him. I basically drove myself into a deep depression waiting for him to love me.

Finally I broke. I had a breakdown and told him I needed to know. I needed to know if he wanted me. If he wanted to be with me. He said he wasn’t ready. And once again he crushed me. Two weeks later he finally told me he wanted to try again. My heart soared.

I gave this man everything. Time. Love. Effort. I changed things that I shouldn’t have changed (ie calling the person I loved when anything exciting happened, being close to my family) all for him. I wasn’t happy anymore. He got mean. He’s horribly mean and if I mess up (like saying I wanted to hang out but then being too tired after work) he throws horrible things at me.

In December of 2017, I realized that I didn’t love this man anymore. That he hurts me more than I deserve. We got into a nasty fight about him not being allowed at my house (it never stopped us from hanging out, I’d always drive to his house or we went out) and he told me my whole family could die. And coming from him it hurt, given his brother passed two years ago, he knew how painful his words were. He got into his truck and left me in my car in tears and wanting to die myself. He got back in, apologized, and thought everything was okay.

Jan 2 was my 21st birthday. My boyfriend doesn’t drink, due to his brother dying from drinking and driving, and so I planned an outing without him and it was supposed to be a girls night. One of the girls that got dropped off had her boyfriend buy a round of shots so he stayed for a bit. I posted a picture of him on my snap story while we did shots and it was nothing. I let my boyfriend know every time we went to a new bar/made it home. The next day he gets this crazy idea one of my coworkers came. When he didn’t. He dropped off a few girls from work.

My boyfriend now insists that I cheated on him with this coworker when I did not. He’s dating the girl he dropped off. Now with all this, my boyfriend is horribly towards me. Accusing me of cheating and being a shitty girlfriend. He also said all I’ve done is hurt him for the last year. Which hurts a lot because I’ve spent the last year breaking myself in order to keep him happy.

With all of this fighting, almost breaking up, him telling me my family is still shitty, he said we need to move in together. I want to. I want to so bad and I shouldn’t.

I’m really asking for advice on how to break up with him without hurting myself. Idk I feel like he may want to be with me, but he doesn’t right??