I'm lost.

This was baby #2 for our family, we were so excited to have another, the timing was perfect, etc. I never expected this.

I was supposed to be 11 weeks today. I went for my first OBGyn appointment on Wednesday, they couldn't find a heartbeat by Doppler, but said don't worry, it's still early.

I went for my first ultrasound at an imaging center on Friday. The tech said "hopefully we'll see a baby today and you can have a sneak peak." She never allowed me to look at the screen and said "Your doctor will have the results in 3-5 business days."

I couldn't wait 3-5 days to know what I already knew in my heart. I went to the ER at 6:45am on Saturday. They actually found 2 babies on ultrasound. One that never developed beyond a yolk sac, and one that lost the heartbeat at 8.5 weeks.

My world stopped. It's still stopped. Even though I knew, it doesn't make it any easier. I asked for a D&C; and they got me on the schedule for 6:30 that evening. I almost couldn't sign the consent form my hand was shaking so badly.

The procedure went well. All of the staff were wonderful and compassionate. They hugged me, prayed with me, offered me words of encouragement. I will forever be grateful for them.

I just don't know what to do with all this grief I feel. I feel like part of me died that I'm never getting back. Like I'll never be whole again. My babies were taken from me and I wasn't ready. I was supposed to be their protector and home, I failed them.

Logically, I know that it was a chromosomal abnormality and there was nothing I could've done, but my heart can't tell the difference.

My eyes are raw from crying, my head is pounding, I can't sleep, I don't want to eat. All I want is to stop feeling for a little bit. I'd love to be numb just for a minute so I could rest.

I wake up and hope it was a bad dream, but it's so real. My babies are gone and I don't know where to go from here.