Starting Disordered Eating Habits (again) Trigger Warning

*Trigger Warning*

So recently I have finally felt not happy with my weight. I decided to go over my diet, and realized I was eating mainly carbs. So Im doing the Atkins diet. It's been about 20 days and Ive noticed a little change. But I find myself falling back into old habits again...

About 4 years ago I was at my lowest weight ever - 127lbs (I'm 5'6") and it was pretty bad. I lived off of a Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte, 2 rice cakes, and an apple - everyday. I got depressed because, my current boyfriend now - but at the time, my best friend "didn't want me". Silly me, he thought I didn't want anything more than friends and it was us reading too much into things.

Anyway, I had developed an addiction to laxatives, became bulimic, and started binge eating only to purge and take massive amounts of laxatives. I got to the point where I was scared of food.

Flash forward now, my boyfriend and I have journeyed these 4 years together and gained about 20-30lbs each and he's fine with it, and really he looks great now. But me on the other hand I want to diet and loose weight.

So a couple of days ago I started feeling the anxiety of eating again, and I decided not to eat, And I felt the feeling again of depriving myself and I liked it. And now I feel the whole cycle coming on again. The power of depriving yourself, and having the ultimate self control. I'm just at a loss. I feel myself wanting to look at pro-ana things on tumblr or instagram and I'm typing this now to keep myself from doing it.

I need help but I don't have anyone to go to. 🙁Sorry for the novel.