When you’re the root

DISCLAIMER: This is very long. I wrote this when I was 16. I’m 21 now. I just wanted to share to let girls who may be going through the same thing know that IT GETS BETTER. life goes on and things really do get better.

What do you do when it's always you? The endless knowing, that no matter the situation, it's always you. The perpetual feeling of emptiness you get when you know regardless what it is, it will be you. You're the reason. You're the problem. You're at fault.

It doesn't matter if it was an accident. It doesn't matter if you wasn't around. It doesn't matter if you knew about it or not. It doesn't matter if no one was at fault, you are. You are at fault even if it is some uncontrollable force making things fall apart bit by bit.

What do you do, when you're the root of all problems, no matter what you do? If you're the reason all three vehicles tore up in a matter of weeks, you accept the scolding, slowly sneak off to your bedroom and cry. If you're the reason the cell phone bill is high, even though you only ever use other peoples wifi, you apologize, keep your mouth shut and take responsibility for it anyway. If you're the reason the money is low, you offer to get a job and feel resentment towards yourself when you can't seem to find one. If you're the reason the house is a mess, even though five other people live there, you do as your told and clean it. When you're the root of all problems, you just accept it. Because taking blame for something you didn't do is the right thing to do, right?

Wrong.

Take the blame for something you did not do? Why would you do such a thing? Why on earth would you lower yourself to that? Don't you have more respect for yourself than that? Of course you don't.

That's your dad, you have to agree with what he says. He's always right, and you're always wrong. What he says goes, no matter what. Even if he says you're the root to all his problems. You still love him though. Even though you know he's wrong, and even though you know he makes you cry almost everyday. Even though he hurts your feelings each time it happens. Even though he takes all of his anger out on you. Even though you cannot stand to be in the same place as him sometimes, you still love him. He's your dad, if it wasn't for him you wouldn't be here alive today. But, does that justify him making you feel this way?

Just because he's your dad, does that mean you can't stand up to him? You can stand up to him, sure. But when you do it's gonna be fight. You're his child, you do as he says remember? What you have to say has no relevance to the problem at hand at all.

But it does.

You'll probably get hollered at. You'll get cussed at. You might even get a fan threw at you. You may get disowned, or maybe even kicked out (let's hope for that one). You'll cry. You will probably puke, or at least want to. You won't be able to breath. You'll be scared to death. But you'll have it off your chest.

Yeah, I'm sure he will be mad. Madder than a piss ant at you. You will probably get your feelings hurt big time, & you better hope he ain't drunk. You'll think to yourself, "hopefully this will change something, maybe it will get better after this".

Nope darling, it won't. As soon as he gets mad at work, as soon as something breaks at home, as soon as someone makes him mad, I promise you, you will be the first to catch hell about it. But you won't know. You won't have the slightest clue what you did, or why he's mad. You won't know what had him so angry at you, and yeah, you'll absolutely think it's all your fault. But it won't be.

And thus the cycle starts over. Never ending. Never getting any better, only worse. Is there anyway out when you're the root?

*5 years later and it got better.*

I moved out at 18. And worked 2 sometimes 3 jobs. I lived with friends. Borrowed vehicles. In and out of abusive relationships. Eventually saved enough to bought a car. Got a better job and saved up to rent a house of my own and got a new car. Things really do get better.